All Saints Day is Coming

I go to church regularly. Hubbie does not go with me as we don't see eye to eye on religion (he's more conservative).

JB went in the hospital on a Thursday and died on Sunday. In Sunday
School class, I requested prayers for hubbie (I did not request any for JB). I admitted that JB and I were "not close", but it was to be difficult for hubbie.

So everyone wanted to be updated of course so I let them know when she passed. Everyone there made a big deal about MY loss. I felt like such a hypocrite. Some of the people there know the truth of my relationship with JB.

Irony: I had just made the prayer request and the Sunday School teacher had prayed for the family when I got the call that they decided to "pull the plug". Later that afternoon, I was back at the church, waiting to donate blood when the call came in that she had passed.

The Women's group traditionally buys a book for the church library whenever a member of the group has a family member who passes away. The member is supposed to write a dedication in the book before it's put in the library. The president of the overall women's organization is one of those who knew the truth, so I talked to her about being uncomfortable with it, about feeling hypocritical about the whole situation. She simply stated to put something generic in it, that others have certainly had books dedicated to people who they have "tense relationships" with. I don't know what happened behind the scenes, but I have not been asked to sign a book to this date. I suppose I need to think of something diplomatic, honest and Christian to write if that comes up.

The reason that I am writing now is not about the book but about the upcoming All Saint's Day. At the church, a candelabra is at the front of the church to honor all who have gone to heaven -- church members and church member's friend and family members.

They are asking people to send in names of people who they want honored. I am not going to send in her name as, even though I am Christian and try to be a good one, and it's a nonchristian thing to say, I feel that she went the other way. I feel like honoring her is hypocritical.

If it ended there, it would be fine. But I fear that a candle will be placed there in her honor anyway. During the service, they ask that any loved ones who wish come to the front to light that person's candle. That I cannot do. I can't pretend. Sitting there when her name is called out would call unwanted attention to me as well. (In person, I am someone who likes to fade into the background anyway.)

I am going to skip church that day. What I just thought of was this. My beloved next door neighbor also passed in the past year. The lady who I so wanted to trade for my MIL. I used to attend the church that she attended -- I changed churches because there were some opportunities to grow that were not available at the older, smaller church. But I remain friends with all of the members. Instead of skipping church, that will be a day for me to visit my old church. To honor my next door neighbor. I just thought of that as I was typing.

So if I had not thought of going to the old church, would that make me a coward to stay home on a morning that I would ordinarily attend. My attendance is pretty much regular. I miss if I have company or a trip or something, but I almost never just sit home on Sunday morning. I am always doing SOMETHING Sunday morning. Usually it's church.

If I didn't have the alternative that I now realize that I would REALLY like to do, I would stay home rather than take the chance of having her name called out and having to figure out what to do, coward or not.