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I really didn't want to wish that. All that I wished was both her and my FIL and her hubbie evil EJ who pre-deceased her by seven years to either shape up or get out of my life. Unfortunately, her death was the only way it would happen. I already knew that. I was in therapy for a couple years between the deaths of Evil JB and Evil EJ. My therapist actually said "Sometimes somebody has to die for a situation to get better." Again, while I did not want to "wish her dead", she helped me (a little) to not feel too guilty about my feelings. I really just wished her OUT OF MY LIFE since I knew better than to expect that she would ever change and that hubbie's attitude toward her was also not going to change.
So while I didn't grieve and I celebrate on the date of the anniversary of her death, it's not the death itself I celebrate, but the result of the death which is having her out totally out of my life.
I cut her out of my life as much as I could, but still always had to be watching my back because she was very much part of hubbie's life and very manipulative. Having me out of the picture and becoming a widow gave her more opportunities to manipulate. That being over. No more manipulation from her. No more going to visit the nasty haunted house. No more watching my back instead of looking forward. That is what I celebrate.
3 years ago
This is a timely post. I have been feeling kind of bad about my feelings about my MILs eventually death.
ReplyDeleteI pray at night to God and what I ask is not that he take her early, but more "can you give me an idea of how much longer we have to endure her?" If I knew her days were numbered it would be easier to detach somehow. I could concentrate on sunnier days ahead.
Is it wrong to wish evil dead? Like you came to realize, it is not the death itself but the result of the death, exactly as you say.
I would be happy if she got out my life in non death ways too, moving in with BIL and SIL for instance, or perhaps she could move back to Germany for a while, I would be happy with that too.
I will not be unhappy when she dies at all, I fully intend on getting my own panties. I have my champaign ready, my MP3 downloaded of happy music and I will rejoice when she is finally gone.
I just wonder how I will sit there at the funeral listening to what people always say at a funeral whether it is really true or not. Things like "she is in heaven" or "she was a good person". She so WAS NOT. She was a nightmare, she was a nuisance instead of a blessing.
I suppose I will practice smiling and nodding for the day and just bite my tongue....
Laurie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your response. Sorry it took me almost a month to see it!
If you have read other posts on this blog, some of the earliest ones, you will see that the funeral was not as bad as I feared before her death.
First of all, I don't know that many people had all very deep feelings about her. My feelings were probably stronger than anyone's.
Nobody seemed all that sad. Nobody had all that much to say. Nobody seemed happy or glad. Not a lot of stories. Most of the discussion was surrounding how her 2 day illness.
At the funeral, the preacher asked for people to stand up and make comments. There was a pause before my DH finally stood up and said something. It was about how HE didn't like disappointing her when he got a bad grade in school one time.
My emotion during the funeral was not what I expected. Before she died, I was afraid that when the time came, I'd be having to hid glee. Instead, I was 100% UNemotional. I sat there while listening to a generic eulogy staring at the coffin thinking "it's over, she's in there." But that was pretty much it. The best comparison is that was like looking at an apple and thinking "that's a apple."
So all of what you are worried about -- I worried about too -- and for nothing. It was all ok. Just a couple days to get through before starting my life.
I hope it works out that well for everyone else.