Emotions, or lack Thereof

JB, the Evil MIL died in early February, which is in my original post. She contributed to the 23 years of my life before that being total hell.

I am normally a very emotional person. I get caught up in the emotion of things, even if I don't share the actual emotion. This includes things like movies and TV shows. I can see a story on TV about someone losing a loved one and I am a mess of tears.

In the months before MIL passed, I experienced the deaths of several people who were not people who were close to me. And I had a hard time not boo-hooing my eyes out.

Then MIL passes. A moment that I had both awaited and dreaded for several years.

I feared my emotional response to it. I feared that if I cried, it would look bad as everyone would find it to be crocodile tears. They would not be tears for the loss of MIL, just tears of being caught up in the moment.

I also feared the opposite response. That I would have to fight to mark the smirk off of my face.

Evil MIL JB has caused me in many ways to not be myself. This was another. When she died, nothing. I did not involuntarily cry or laugh either one. I did experience some emotion when she was sick. Hubbie called me and told me her symptoms before leaving for her bedside. I just knew that this was it. They had to put her on life support after he got there. At that time, I was a bit giddy. But when the time of death, and the festivities afterwards, I was going through the emotions.

It would also not be in my nature to wish somebody dead. But in counseling, I did realize that I knew that the problems would not end until after they were both dead -- for a while.

I did stare at the coffin during the funeral, with the thought in my head, "This is what I have been waiting for. She is actually in there."