Goodbye message

I posted about my plans to not attend church on All Saint's Day as JB passed this year and I have conflicted feelings about it.

I realize now how I can use that time to start the end to the bitterness that I feel.

I have posted on a support board for a long time.

I used to visit the ILs regularly. I did NOT want to. A cutoff was not for me at the time. I thought I had to go with him in order to protect my interests. Both JB (evil MIL) and EJ (evil FIL) used DH. I felt like by going with him whenever he went, I first knew what was going on, and second, prevented some of the worst abuses. (Remember, what they wanted from him was his paycheck and for him to do any work that needed doing.)

That part of the saga ended on Halloween in 2002. The night before Halloween, Hubbie and I had a guest over for supper. But his parents called and he went off to take the call. Not in private, but in secret. I could tell from some of the side of the conversation that I was hearing that it was something serious and that he was going to come through for them. I asked him what was going on. He said "nothing". I knew he was lying. The content and context of the phone conversation was much more serious than his leaving table with a dinner guest.

So I came home from work early the next day and snooped through his office for info. I found that he had fed-ex'd something to them. (I later found out that it was a large check made out to a used car dealer.) But more than that, I found out that the ILs and Hubbie had been going to extraordinary measures to keep secrets from me. The nature of those extraordinary measures upset me so bad that I felt like I was living with a stranger, I was crying at work. I took a sick day to put my ducks in a row in case of a divorce. It was one of only two times I ever thought about divorce.

The power of having been on the support board led me to two things the first was that I realized a cut off is possible. For all of the bad, Halloween 2002 was also the first of my freedom days. I realized that since Hubbie and ILs were going so far undercover, that all of my painful journeys to the ILs were a waste of time, and therefore I was never going to see them again.

I cannot honor EJ for All Saint's Day. But the night before is All Hallow's Eve when we are supposed to chase the evil spirits away. I am going to use that night to chase away an evil spirit. Not that of MIL, but the spirit of my pain and anger and resentment. I am going to use that as a night to start chasing away all the negative emotions that I have bottled up in 20+ years that I knew her.

The other thing that I gained from the support board is I did go into counseling as well. I tried to take Hubbie, but that was another disaster I won't get into. But I found a good individual counselor after that experience who helped me immensely.

I know that there will still be rocky places in the road, such as Christmas, her birthday, and the "one year anniversary" and perhaps some after whenever SIL decides what to do with "the estate". (AKA haunted white elephant farm)

Ending it all and getting total freedom

The upcoming All Saints Day got me to thinking deeper. I am still in the support group. Staying there keeps me from putting the JB nightmare behind me.

I have two date goals in mind. The first is Halloween/All Saints day. The second is the one year anniversary of her death.

I was a member of the support group before they moved to their current server. I originally joined under a different user name, but changes in my status and being afraid that my user name would make me get caught there made me decide to change my user name.

Many people on the board had cut off their in-laws and were in counseling. I did want to do counseling. But I was afraid to cut off the in-laws. JB and EJ (her evil husband) were taking advantage of hubbie. That would have been no big deal if it only affected him. However, it affected me to. I felt that accompanying him whenever he was around them was a two fold advantage. First, it gave me knowledge of what was going on. Second, perhaps there would be less happen when I was there to "protect" hubbie. I really hated going there. I hated two Mother's days in a row spent there. I hated every Christmas Eve. The place was full of negative energy and totally dirty. I did not eat there, I did not want food poisioning. I filled myself up with Cheese Doodles and KK's at the gas station we stopped at on the way to their house. I also used the restroom as the bath at MIL's was also pretty disgusting.

Then when eating time came, I tried to find the lowest risk dishes and eat as little of them as possible. I also carried snacks and drinks and had them in the car.

That was only one small bit of what was bad about being there.

Then Halloween 2002 came.

Halloween 2002 can only be described as a wonderful terrible day. The night before Halloween, DH was on the telephone with his parents. He left a dinner with guests to go to his office and talk to her, not just in private, but in secret. When I asked him what was going on, he said "Nothing.". So the next day, I got nosey. I did find out what he was up to, which was upsetting. It was a big deal. It was later that I found out what was really going on that day. I also found more than that. I learned that there was a deep scheme going on, that the ILs were going to extraordinary measures to get their way with DH and were succeeding. I have never posted the particular thing that I found, and likely never will. But it was so disturbing that I felt like I was living with a stranger. I was unable to concentrate at work and could not stop crying in a friend's office -- I don't cry in front of people easily. I even started looking into what my rights were in the case of divorce.

There was some good that came of this. First, I realized that no matter what I did, JB and EJ were going to get whatever she wanted from my hubbie. I was immediately free to cut her out of my life, to never have to see her again. All of those painful trips had been to supposedly protect my and hubbie's interests. But if they were going to go around me anyway, I was not succeeding. I decided that day never to see her again. I did not tell hubbie. He was not communicating with me, he was going to extreme measures to not communicate with me. I finally looked after myself. Hubbie did not get his first inkling until December 23. I was getting ready to go to my sister's house for the day. In years previous, I had taken vacation and spent Dec. 23 with my sister. He had picked me up at her house to take me to the craptaculars at the ILs, then after that, we drove to my parent's to sleep and for Christmas morning with them and my sister. Then home. So when I was getting ready to leave that day, he asked what time he could pick me up and where. I said no time, I wasn't going, I'd just meet him at my parents. Of course, he hit the ceiling. He did not go to my parents, but went home and then back to my sister's Christmas morning. (5 extra hours of driving for him to do this, as our families now happen to live close together, but a good distance from us.) We did not have a good Christmas together, but I still had a good one with my sister's family and with my parents.

So that's a lot of background. But Halloween is an anniversary of sorts. I have somewhat gotten over the pain of the day. The day is the anniversary of me being freed from seeing the ILs. FIL died about six months later. I did see JB at FIL EJ's funeral, but it was the last time I saw her alive. I started counseling the following January (a year and a half later). So Halloween was the beginning of my freedom. I will now make it the end of the nightmare as well. I do not feel like lighting a candle to her on All Saint's Day. Halloween, or All Hallow's Eve is the night before All Saint's Day. The day to chase away all evil spirits. I will light a candle that night. Not a candle to her evil spirit. But a candle to the end of the pain and baggage that I carry around because of her.

I will be around the board a lot less after that, but will be around some until just after the year anniversary of her death. I suspect that the holidays will be odd this year, and the anniversary will be strange, but I am looking at this time as the beginning of the end of my pain and tehe beginning of my healing. I may need some hugs when DH starts acting out on his grief and through some of the other stuff.

I will continue to post on my blogs.

Also, if any of my support group friends are ever in my area, I would love to meet them at a restaurant somewhere for lunch! PM's are forwarded to my Yahoo mail account, so just shoot me a message and we'll find a good safe place to meet.

Update to Breast Cancer Post

I just realized that I posted several months ago that my sister may have breast cancer while complaining about JB saying that she had it when she didn't.

My sister's news is good. She did not have breast cancer. (and she's not doing a JB and parading around pretending that she does)

Thank God for my sister's good health.

All Saints Day is Coming

I go to church regularly. Hubbie does not go with me as we don't see eye to eye on religion (he's more conservative).

JB went in the hospital on a Thursday and died on Sunday. In Sunday
School class, I requested prayers for hubbie (I did not request any for JB). I admitted that JB and I were "not close", but it was to be difficult for hubbie.

So everyone wanted to be updated of course so I let them know when she passed. Everyone there made a big deal about MY loss. I felt like such a hypocrite. Some of the people there know the truth of my relationship with JB.

Irony: I had just made the prayer request and the Sunday School teacher had prayed for the family when I got the call that they decided to "pull the plug". Later that afternoon, I was back at the church, waiting to donate blood when the call came in that she had passed.

The Women's group traditionally buys a book for the church library whenever a member of the group has a family member who passes away. The member is supposed to write a dedication in the book before it's put in the library. The president of the overall women's organization is one of those who knew the truth, so I talked to her about being uncomfortable with it, about feeling hypocritical about the whole situation. She simply stated to put something generic in it, that others have certainly had books dedicated to people who they have "tense relationships" with. I don't know what happened behind the scenes, but I have not been asked to sign a book to this date. I suppose I need to think of something diplomatic, honest and Christian to write if that comes up.

The reason that I am writing now is not about the book but about the upcoming All Saint's Day. At the church, a candelabra is at the front of the church to honor all who have gone to heaven -- church members and church member's friend and family members.

They are asking people to send in names of people who they want honored. I am not going to send in her name as, even though I am Christian and try to be a good one, and it's a nonchristian thing to say, I feel that she went the other way. I feel like honoring her is hypocritical.

If it ended there, it would be fine. But I fear that a candle will be placed there in her honor anyway. During the service, they ask that any loved ones who wish come to the front to light that person's candle. That I cannot do. I can't pretend. Sitting there when her name is called out would call unwanted attention to me as well. (In person, I am someone who likes to fade into the background anyway.)

I am going to skip church that day. What I just thought of was this. My beloved next door neighbor also passed in the past year. The lady who I so wanted to trade for my MIL. I used to attend the church that she attended -- I changed churches because there were some opportunities to grow that were not available at the older, smaller church. But I remain friends with all of the members. Instead of skipping church, that will be a day for me to visit my old church. To honor my next door neighbor. I just thought of that as I was typing.

So if I had not thought of going to the old church, would that make me a coward to stay home on a morning that I would ordinarily attend. My attendance is pretty much regular. I miss if I have company or a trip or something, but I almost never just sit home on Sunday morning. I am always doing SOMETHING Sunday morning. Usually it's church.

If I didn't have the alternative that I now realize that I would REALLY like to do, I would stay home rather than take the chance of having her name called out and having to figure out what to do, coward or not.