Freedom Increases

It has been a while since I posted.  Which means that my freedom has increased.  Holidays seem to be the big time.


Last one listed was July 4.  My birthday came later.  50th birthday.  No worries.


Then Labor Day weekend which is a major event for the hobby I am in.  This event is officially Saturday and Sunday.  But it gets started about a week before.  Many people go earlier.  Because I went out of town to this event without hubbie, I always worried that if Evil JB got wind, she'd have hubbie over.  So I arranged it like this:  I took Friday off and went Friday and Saturday. I made a point of leaving there by 3:00 on Saturday which put me back home in time for a late dinner with hubbie.  That would not necessarily keep him from going to the in-laws, but it did the trick.


After evil JB passed, hubbie decided to get involved in this hobbie as well.  So he goes to the event with me now.  The thought of HER doing something to interfere of course, never came into play.  But then Saturday, he wanted to stay another day, but said "but you have your routine and feel that you HAVE to leave by 3:00".  I said "we can stay as long as you like.  I always left then so that I could get home to you.  Since we are together, that is no longer an issue."  And as a matter of fact, if hubbie had been going with me before Evil JB and Evil EJ left, I would have probably not been anxious to leave at all, but wanted to stay longer to be out of their clutches.


So that passed.


Now the big holiday season is approaching.


Wedding Anniversary, then Thanksgiving, the Christmas and New Years.
This year is 25th anniversary. Have not decided yet what to do.  At 20th anniversary, did not decide even up until leaving for trip.  My plan "get as far away as possible".  With the unsaid words being "away from EJ and JB" followed by "so that they can't spoil it."


This time, distance from them is not part of the equation. 


Then come Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.  Since Not so Evil SIL, GR has no interest in hubbie, it's not an issue for that either.


Other people are trying to plan around their in-laws.  I can relax and say ahhhh.  There are still events I'd like to avoid.  The boring cocktail parties, etc.  But those events are ones that I would choose to attend over being around the Evils EJ and JB.


Hubbie does still have dreams of family with his sister.  But she barely acknowledges him.  She gives him last minute notice of things.  Last year I almost missed church on account of that.  This year I won't.  I will be participating in the service in some manner.

Independence Day, Part 2

I remember turning off the answering machine before holiday weekends because evil JB used the extra day as one that my hubbie, her son could do for her.

I always felt on edge on holidays.

This time, I did not feel that way. Just a relaxing three day weekend.

Field Day

In the past two weeks, I've had two of those Ahhhhhhhhh moments.

I am so totally detached that I didn't even get around to posting the first one. The second one was a delayed ahhhh.

First: I am a ham radio operator. We have an annual even that is the weekend of the 4th Saturday of the month. Part of hubbie's family has a reunion the weekend of the 4th Sunday of the month. 6 years out of seven, this is the same weekend.

So many years, I got dragged off and had to miss the second day. And after cutoff, I still had to worry about Evil JB using it to get him there (even though it was technically Evil EJ's side of the family, there were some relatives of hers there too. Family tree wasn't like one that didn't fork, there were some parallel branches.Evil JB 's Aunt was married to Evil EJ's uncle, so their kids were first cousins to both, for example.


So this year, hubbie and I are participating in this event. I did remember in the back of my mind about this family reunion, but I had mostly forgotten it. Hubbie got called by his sister on cell phone when we were on our way between two sites. He told her on the phone that he didn't know what he would be doing. He asked her how she was and then said "what's wrong." Sister is trying to take his Mom's place, but it isn't working. Instead of going to try to fix her problems, he gives her advice on some things to try to fix her problems. He said to me "she called to tell me that there's a reunion tomorrow." I said "kind of late notice isn't it?" No answer, but it was the last word spoken about the reunion.

Evil JB used any excuse to get hubbie down there to fullfill her santa/shopping list and her sonny-do list. He generally spent most of his time with her and very little time at the reunion. And it's one of those reunions where the people who were there that HE had connections with were his sister and her family. Both parents came from very large families, he didn't even know how many cousins he has. And there were so many that they sort of knew who each other was. No connection.

I really did NOT wish Her Dead. Really

I really didn't want to wish that. All that I wished was both her and my FIL and her hubbie evil EJ who pre-deceased her by seven years to either shape up or get out of my life. Unfortunately, her death was the only way it would happen. I already knew that. I was in therapy for a couple years between the deaths of Evil JB and Evil EJ. My therapist actually said "Sometimes somebody has to die for a situation to get better." Again, while I did not want to "wish her dead", she helped me (a little) to not feel too guilty about my feelings. I really just wished her OUT OF MY LIFE since I knew better than to expect that she would ever change and that hubbie's attitude toward her was also not going to change.


So while I didn't grieve and I celebrate on the date of the anniversary of her death, it's not the death itself I celebrate, but the result of the death which is having her out totally out of my life.

I cut her out of my life as much as I could, but still always had to be watching my back because she was very much part of hubbie's life and very manipulative. Having me out of the picture and becoming a widow gave her more opportunities to manipulate. That being over. No more manipulation from her. No more going to visit the nasty haunted house. No more watching my back instead of looking forward. That is what I celebrate.

2 Year Anniversary

Two years ago today I became MIL-free.

While I always feared how my Hubbie would handle losing her (he was dedicated to mommy), he has done remarkably well. Only a couple times have I seen behaviors out of him that seemed related to that.

Our marriage is SO much better now. All of the MAJOR problems we have ever had were in-law related.

Now, I feel that instead of always "watching my back" I "look forward" to life. Before, if a holiday, vacation, etc was coming (even bad weather events), I had to have a Plan B for how to keep MIL from causing a problem. Now, I just look forward. Hubbie and I make our own plans and go forward with them. It's so nice.

Oh, and I got the freedom 25 years before I ever expected it. She has centenarians in her family tree. She was "only" 75 when she died. I expected at least 10-20 more years if not more of putting up with her. The last two years of my life have been so much better than the 22 years before that.

Hubbie is out of town tonight. I celebrated by watching The Wizard Of Oz on Video Tape (I'm going to make a DVD this weekend).

Had the Internet existed when I first got married, I believe that I would have had better tools to handle the situation rather than setting bad precedents of bending over backwards. The net is such a great resource of information and support groups. Instead, I muddled through on my own for the first ten years, thinking I was alone.

I don't mean to rub it in. I look forward to each and everyone of you sisters and brothers finding "in-law relief" in whatever way you are able to get it -- agreement with hubbie/wife, of a cutoff, MIL coming around (rare, but it has happened), or whatever else it takes for each of you to get peace.

Just Reflecting -- Life's Getting Better

Now that FIL has been dead for over 7 years (wow!) and MIL for over a year and a half, life is getting closer and closer to what I would have always considered normal. To have to wait until Hubbie was in his 50s and me in my late 40s.

I don't feel like Evil JB is part of every decision we make, even if peripherally.

1. We have a special day coming. Don't have to worry that we have to make plans before JB hijacks the day.
2. Same as above with holiday weekends.
   
3. We take a trip. Don't have to worry about JB having an emergency and having to cancel or leave early or go there as soon as we get home. I worried about if she knew about the trip or not. She had emergencies when she knew we had trips. Not when she didn't. Hubbie never saw it.
   
4. We make a special big ticket purchase. Don't have to worry about JB having an emergency need of the same thing for herself -- at our expense. Again, wanted to make sure JB never knew about it.
   
5. The telephone rings. Don't have to fear that it's JB on the other end disrupting our lives. Almost a daily occurrence.
6. Bad weather -- hurricanes, floods, and such. Hubbie now focuses on our situation and not on what hers might be. Don't have to worry about him going to rescue them afterwards or help them "hunker down" beforehand.
   

Even as bad as it all was, reading this short list makes it seem so much like a really bad nightmare. I was ALWAYS looking over my shoulder for her interference and jealousy. Now I can look ahead and forward to living.

Bad Weather - Whew

So the whole East Coast from Florida to Canada is being drenched. DH is on a trip to the midwest right now.

The city where MIL lived has been under tornado and flood warnings. To my knowledge, nothing has actually happened where she lived.

One good thing that MIL did for me -- make me appreciate my own situation. While it is stressful to have to practically swim wherever I'm going (OK, I'm exaggerating). It's NICE to ONLY have to deal with how this affects me personally, to NO LONGER be expected to put all that aside to rescue MIL from whatever is going on.

If we happened to have a tree down on our house and water pouring in (which we don't) and if MIL had something to deal with also, MIL would have guilted DH into taking care of her instead, no matter how major or minor her situation was. Even if there was no situation other than the nasty weather, she'd find a way to manipulate him there. She'd even find a way to get him to leave his business trip, which is important. She might would even be working on that way to get him to bring her back to our house, for good. She never openly expressed that and DH being dense denied that she wanted that, but I could see what she was getting at through her actions.

So, when having to deal with extra traffic because of the combination of accidents and slowdowns, water in the basement, etc. I know that I have TIME to deal with those things. It's actually refreshing to be able to live my own life as it comes and NOT be EXPECTED to put whatever I am dealing with aside because MIL's situation is AUTOMATICALLY more important than our situation. The good thing that MIL gave me is that I am able to relax more and realize that no matter how bad things get, they will be OK. They are OUR things and they are not all that major.


All you wet gray clouds up there, you do have a silver lining this time.

A Yard Sale Realization

I used to use church and other yard sales as a way to get rid of junk that came into this house by way of Evil MIL JB. Why did I want to get rid of the stuff? First, most of it was junk. Second, did not want her negative energy in my home. Third, related to the second, didn't want to think of her when seeing the junk.

I remember one church yard sale where I filled up a SUV with stuff to leave there.

This weekend was the second yard sale since she died. It was the first one that there had been no Evil MIL JB around to re-junk me after I had dejunked.

It hit me when I started gathering stuff to take: I only had ONE BOX of stuff to take. Yes, this time there were not items in that box that came from Evil MIL JB!!!!

Does that count as another Ahhhhh moment?

Just Realized that Mother's Day is Coming Panic-Free

This is the second Mothers day without having to worry about evil JB. I can go visit my Mom in peace and not worry how badly evil JB is draining from my sweet hubbie.

The ahhh about it is that it's taking me longer and longer to realize that I was not worrying. The worrying part is so far in the background. I was looking at the MIL's board and saw people panicing about Mother's Day, how their MIL's were making demands of their DIL's. And I remembered, Oh, yes, I used to panic about Mother's day. It wasn't even thinking until now how nice it was not to panic, that the panic has moved that far off my radar.

I see that I posted on Mothers day last year. I'll be going back to read what I said last year.

Double ahhh!

One Year

As today comes to a close, it's been uneventful. One year ago today, the witch bit the dust. Now that the first year is over, it seems time to get on with life. Not to worry about the first this or the first that any more.

Peace to all of us.

The Calm After the (snow)storm

I blogged yesterday about how it was nice that hubbie was not calling evil JB every couple hours to see how she is making out in the winter storm.

This is the first snow storm since she died.

Something else that I noticed today.

It used to be that as soon as it started snowing, hubbie was trying to shovel out. I thought it some kind of cabin fever. Digging out was never any big deal to me. I am perfectly satisfied to stay put until the roads are safe.

This time, it was almost 36 hours in before he did anything until almost 48 hours into the event. And he just did a little knocking snow around. He was not trying to dig out of the neighborhood.

Makes me think.... In the past was he trying to make sure he could get out to get to his Mama in the past?

Whatever it is, hubbie is definitely more relaxed now than he has been in any past snow storm.

Winter Weather Event is Peaceful

Today is another ahhhhhhhhhh day. We have a snowstorm here. Not horrible, but the roads are impassible. We have the things we need to get by for a couple days, even if the power goes by.

Where evil JB lived, on the other hand, they are having an ice storm and power outages. If it had been a year ago, hubbie would be on the phone with her, making sure she had what she needed, and making sure her power was on.

If her power was to have gone off, he would have likely been trying to figure out how to get our generator to her house. THat is, our generator that he has said is too big to take back up the hill that it had to go down to put in our basement. And getting it up that hill that happens to be ice covered, to get it to his truck. Then to drive to her house on roads that only a few are on and the governor has told us to keep off of, to get it to her.

He used to talk about wanting a second generator to back up the one we have. I know that he was really wanting a second, smaller generator that he could "loan" to his parents when they "needed" it and would have been left there and either ruined or sold (or both). I objected to him buying the second one and he never did. No event ever came up that caused him to want to bring them one during that time he was thinking about it.

Now that the evil ones, JB and EJ are gone, I no longer have to worry about him going to them when the weather is bad, risking his life to get there. Also leaving me here to fend for myself, but unlike JB, I can fend for myself.

So instead of a tense day of him checking on his Mom every hour and her whining about how much worse of she is than she really is, we are having a relaxing, almost boring day, snuggled in our house, looking out the window and wondering when we will get out of here again.

Ahhhhhhhhhh................

Christmas is Coming

This is a milestone I dreaded a little bit. With the exception of last year, hubbie spent every Christmas Eve with Mother in Law JB. Last year, he was out of work in his field, so he was working at a Big Box. He couldn't make it. It was a three hour drive. He worked late because the store didn't run straggling customers out and also getting ready for the day after Christmas sale. I hope he does not feel guilty about missing his Mother's last Christmas Eve. There was no reason to truly suspect it would be her last. She always said it would probably be her last, but that was her "woe is me" act. She had been saying that for 15 or 20 years. She was not worse off healthwise last year than any other year. As I have posted, her death was quick -- it was kind of a surprise. Hubbie's sister said that she didn't call anybody when JB went into the hospital because "I expected her to be home the next day like usual, so there was no more reason to call anyone than any previous hospital visit."

Anyway.... that was last year. I was braced for hubbie to be moody and upset over the loss of his mother all year, especially around holidays. He has been moody from time to time. But he has always been a little bit of a moody person. So far, I have not noticed any extra moodiness.

At least I don't have to worry about what she's going to try to pull to get extra attention, such as the Christmas incidents that I just posted about on my other blog.

So far so good!!!!

1st After the JB Nightmare Anniversary - Ahhhhhhhhh

We had a wonderful day.

On at least three wedding anniversaries, I suspect that JB called Hubbie right at supper time.

The first one I know for sure. 2003. We were in the car at 6:00 on the way to a restaurant. JB calls to ask Hubbie if we are going to be going to her house Thanksgiving. This was at least 15 years into our marriage. In my previous post, I noted that Thanksgiving is almost always at our house... started that way due to his work schedule.

He said that she didn't know it was our anniversary. Yea, right. I was sitting in the car right next to him when he answered. I did not hear our anniversary mentioned.

The following year, we stopped off to visit a friend on the way to dinner. Right at 6pm, his cell phone rang. He silenced it. I later looked at his call stack and the call had been deleted. I am 99% sure it was her. (2004)

2005, I don't know if she tried calling or not. I suspected a possible pre-emptive strike on hubbie's part -- that he may have noticed the pattern.

On our 20th anniversary, we went to Disney. We were looking at the Christmas lights at Disney Studios. At 5:45 PM, I noticed hubbie messing with his cell phone. I am 99% sure it was her calling. (2006) We were busy on vacation, he may have forgotten to make a pre-emptive strike. When we were deciding what to do for our 20th, my main wish: As far away from home as possible. Reason that I didn't tell him: to be away from JB's reach.

No known problems in 2007 and 2008. Possible pre-emptive strike of hubbie contacting her earlier in teh day.

2009 was a wonderful anniversary. No cell phone calls all day!

The ahhhhhhhh part of the day is that it was unplanned. I did not feel like I had to find something to ensure that our time was filled so that JB couldn't make up an emergency that was bigger than our anniversary or just a plain old excuse to bother us.

This was a nice day. The first day of the a great year! Last year wasn't so bad either! I didn't really even think of her until I got online to write this post!

Thanksgiving: Another Ahhhhhhhh Moment

Thanksgiving every year my side of the family has all come to my house and I cook. This is my sister, parents, and 3 nephews. Sometimes my BIL, too. He works at a hospital and can't have both Thanksgiving and Christmas off, so it makes sense for the whole family.

I just found out today that one of the nephews has H1N1. My husband has a chronic (autoimmune) lung condition called Sarcoidosis, so getting any kind of lung infection, including the flu is very dangerous for him. He hasn't been able to get his H1N1 shot yet. (He's in remission from his condition right now. When he's in remission, he gets stupid and won't do any of the things he's supposed to do, then gets sick again. MEN!!!)

My Parents and Sis's family live next door to each other and have no boundaries. It's like one big family with two buildings for their home, the way that they go back and forth. So with a total of seven of them, one with H1N1 and none have gotten shots either, I'm kind of figuring it could still be going around Thanksgiving. I'm banning them from the house if anybody is sick the Sunday before and anybody else hasn't yet been sick yet. I just can't risk DH getting it. From what I've read, it attacks the lungs pretty bad.

I already told hubbie that nephew has H1N1 and Thanksgiving plans could be changed on account of it.

The ahhhhhh moment? Last year, or before with JB living, I would have NEVER given him that much advance notice that a holiday might be up in the air, for him to get time to blab to her and suddenly be planning on spending it with her. I am so relieved to be free to live my life without looking over my shoulder all of the time.

Labor Day -- Another Holiday, another Ahhhhh

Holidays are so much better now that MIL and FIL are both Down Below (and I don't mean in Australia -- that's Down UNDER)!

I have a convention for a hobby that I am in that starts the Sunday before Labor day and ends Labor Day Sunday. This convention is about three hours away, so I spend a night. The two biggest days used to be Saturday and Sunday before Labor Day. I started going Friday and Saturday so I could "be home in time to have dinner with" DH. That was basically to keep him from disappearing the entire weekend to the In-laws.

As I stated before, it was not him visiting them that bothered me. It was that when he visited, he spent hundreds of dollars on them and they wore him to the bone (sometimes literally) with chores. He would come home bruised and cut from jamming his hand while fixing something or something. And he would never bring tools or old clothes with him. So he ruined a set of clothes and had to buy new tools when there. THen he came home in a bad mood. So my reasons for not wanting him to visit were money, and his mood when he got home.



Now I still go Friday and Saturday and get home in time for supper on Saturday, but that is because those are now the two main days. Sunday is a winding-down day and there are more people in attendance on Friday than on Sunday.

Sometimes in past years I left before I really was quite ready on Saturday so I could be home in time. This year, I actually left a little earlier than that, but it was because things were winding down, not because I felt like I had to leave when I did. Again, it's a shifting of the traditions and when other people are there and things are going on. When I first started going Friday and Saturday, there were very few people there Friday. I had to pry myself away by 3pm Saturday. This time, I was really ready to go by 1pm, having done all I wanted and seen all who I wanted to see. So I left then, and took my time getting home, stopping at an outlet mall and doing what I wanted to do.

This year, I went the had the schedule and dates I wanted to go for no other reason than that those were the two "most fun" days.

Six Months !

OK, it's Aug 9 at 12:20 am, and I am only now getting around to posting. Technically, the six month anniversary is over as of about 20 minutes ago

In some ways, it does not seem like I have been free of JB for a whole six months. In others, it actually seems like a nightmare much longer ago than that.

I do feel a sense of relief over many things. One is having holiday time to share with hubbie and not to have to worry about that phone ringing for another contrived emergency that happens to fall on a holiday or birthday. I don't have to wonder if the phone is going to ring during supper on our anniversary in a couple months. I don't have to worry about hubbie wanting to go to roach haven for Thanksgiving dinner.

Remodeling

OK, it's not exactly remodeling, or is it? We are getting new windows, doors, and siding on our house. We have needed to do this for years. The new doors are beautiful. Hubbie really likes the picture window in our kitchen. I am looking forward to no longer having bits of siding rotted away and the extra insulation we will have.

If JB had still been living and found out she would have been whining about needing her house redone too. She would have been partly right. Her house does need all of these things. But if you have read the haunted house postings, you know this is just a start for what that house needs. But she never cared enough to try to take care of what she had.

I am feeling an ahhhh moment, knowing that we are only getting this done for one house and not for two. When JB was living, whenever we got something major, she suddenly had the "mee tooo, I neeeeeeeed it worse than you attitude", and DH usually complied by buying for her. Which is why he is now broke.

Ahhhhh. We don't have to worry about the IL repercussions of getting our house redone.

Financial Responsibility - Dodged a bullet

Something was just posted on the bulletin board that shocked me. It turns out that adults can be held legally responsible for taking care of their parents. I thought it was not true, but sure enough, it's in North Carolina Law.

§ 14-326.1. Parents; failure to support.
If any person being of full age, and having sufficient income after reasonably
providing for his or her own immediate family shall, without reasonable cause, neglect to
maintain and support his or her parent or parents, if such parent or parents be sick or not
able to work and have not sufficient means or ability to maintain or support themselves,
such person shall be deemed guilty of a Class 2 misdemeanor; upon conviction of a
second or subsequent offense such person shall be guilty of a Class 1 misdemeanor.
If there be more than one person bound under the provisions of the next preceding
paragraph to support the same parent or parents, they shall share equitably in the
discharge of such duty. (1955, c. 1099; 1969, c. 1045, s. 3; 1993, c. 539, s. 227; 1994, Ex.
Sess., c. 24, s. 14(c).)

Here is a link to the page:
http://www.ncga.state.nc.us/EnactedLegislation/Statutes/pdf/ByArticle/Chapter_14/Article_40.pdf

I am so thankful that JB did not know this. She would have held it over hubbie's head and he would have thrown it in my face and complied.

Whew! Dodged a bullet on that one.
Ahhhh, don't have to worry about that.

As Time Goes By

July 4^th came and went. Then the 5 month anniversary of freedom day came and went, without incident.

I'm taking a beach trip with my she-geek friends next weekend. I think I'll bring a couple bottles of cheap champagne for a belated celebration. A couple swallows for she-Geek K and me. A bottle and a half for the others - she-Geek's L, R, A, & B.