I really did NOT wish Her Dead. Really

I really didn't want to wish that. All that I wished was both her and my FIL and her hubbie evil EJ who pre-deceased her by seven years to either shape up or get out of my life. Unfortunately, her death was the only way it would happen. I already knew that. I was in therapy for a couple years between the deaths of Evil JB and Evil EJ. My therapist actually said "Sometimes somebody has to die for a situation to get better." Again, while I did not want to "wish her dead", she helped me (a little) to not feel too guilty about my feelings. I really just wished her OUT OF MY LIFE since I knew better than to expect that she would ever change and that hubbie's attitude toward her was also not going to change.


So while I didn't grieve and I celebrate on the date of the anniversary of her death, it's not the death itself I celebrate, but the result of the death which is having her out totally out of my life.

I cut her out of my life as much as I could, but still always had to be watching my back because she was very much part of hubbie's life and very manipulative. Having me out of the picture and becoming a widow gave her more opportunities to manipulate. That being over. No more manipulation from her. No more going to visit the nasty haunted house. No more watching my back instead of looking forward. That is what I celebrate.

Goodbye message

I posted about my plans to not attend church on All Saint's Day as JB passed this year and I have conflicted feelings about it.

I realize now how I can use that time to start the end to the bitterness that I feel.

I have posted on a support board for a long time.

I used to visit the ILs regularly. I did NOT want to. A cutoff was not for me at the time. I thought I had to go with him in order to protect my interests. Both JB (evil MIL) and EJ (evil FIL) used DH. I felt like by going with him whenever he went, I first knew what was going on, and second, prevented some of the worst abuses. (Remember, what they wanted from him was his paycheck and for him to do any work that needed doing.)

That part of the saga ended on Halloween in 2002. The night before Halloween, Hubbie and I had a guest over for supper. But his parents called and he went off to take the call. Not in private, but in secret. I could tell from some of the side of the conversation that I was hearing that it was something serious and that he was going to come through for them. I asked him what was going on. He said "nothing". I knew he was lying. The content and context of the phone conversation was much more serious than his leaving table with a dinner guest.

So I came home from work early the next day and snooped through his office for info. I found that he had fed-ex'd something to them. (I later found out that it was a large check made out to a used car dealer.) But more than that, I found out that the ILs and Hubbie had been going to extraordinary measures to keep secrets from me. The nature of those extraordinary measures upset me so bad that I felt like I was living with a stranger, I was crying at work. I took a sick day to put my ducks in a row in case of a divorce. It was one of only two times I ever thought about divorce.

The power of having been on the support board led me to two things the first was that I realized a cut off is possible. For all of the bad, Halloween 2002 was also the first of my freedom days. I realized that since Hubbie and ILs were going so far undercover, that all of my painful journeys to the ILs were a waste of time, and therefore I was never going to see them again.

I cannot honor EJ for All Saint's Day. But the night before is All Hallow's Eve when we are supposed to chase the evil spirits away. I am going to use that night to chase away an evil spirit. Not that of MIL, but the spirit of my pain and anger and resentment. I am going to use that as a night to start chasing away all the negative emotions that I have bottled up in 20+ years that I knew her.

The other thing that I gained from the support board is I did go into counseling as well. I tried to take Hubbie, but that was another disaster I won't get into. But I found a good individual counselor after that experience who helped me immensely.

I know that there will still be rocky places in the road, such as Christmas, her birthday, and the "one year anniversary" and perhaps some after whenever SIL decides what to do with "the estate". (AKA haunted white elephant farm)

All Saints Day is Coming

I go to church regularly. Hubbie does not go with me as we don't see eye to eye on religion (he's more conservative).

JB went in the hospital on a Thursday and died on Sunday. In Sunday
School class, I requested prayers for hubbie (I did not request any for JB). I admitted that JB and I were "not close", but it was to be difficult for hubbie.

So everyone wanted to be updated of course so I let them know when she passed. Everyone there made a big deal about MY loss. I felt like such a hypocrite. Some of the people there know the truth of my relationship with JB.

Irony: I had just made the prayer request and the Sunday School teacher had prayed for the family when I got the call that they decided to "pull the plug". Later that afternoon, I was back at the church, waiting to donate blood when the call came in that she had passed.

The Women's group traditionally buys a book for the church library whenever a member of the group has a family member who passes away. The member is supposed to write a dedication in the book before it's put in the library. The president of the overall women's organization is one of those who knew the truth, so I talked to her about being uncomfortable with it, about feeling hypocritical about the whole situation. She simply stated to put something generic in it, that others have certainly had books dedicated to people who they have "tense relationships" with. I don't know what happened behind the scenes, but I have not been asked to sign a book to this date. I suppose I need to think of something diplomatic, honest and Christian to write if that comes up.

The reason that I am writing now is not about the book but about the upcoming All Saint's Day. At the church, a candelabra is at the front of the church to honor all who have gone to heaven -- church members and church member's friend and family members.

They are asking people to send in names of people who they want honored. I am not going to send in her name as, even though I am Christian and try to be a good one, and it's a nonchristian thing to say, I feel that she went the other way. I feel like honoring her is hypocritical.

If it ended there, it would be fine. But I fear that a candle will be placed there in her honor anyway. During the service, they ask that any loved ones who wish come to the front to light that person's candle. That I cannot do. I can't pretend. Sitting there when her name is called out would call unwanted attention to me as well. (In person, I am someone who likes to fade into the background anyway.)

I am going to skip church that day. What I just thought of was this. My beloved next door neighbor also passed in the past year. The lady who I so wanted to trade for my MIL. I used to attend the church that she attended -- I changed churches because there were some opportunities to grow that were not available at the older, smaller church. But I remain friends with all of the members. Instead of skipping church, that will be a day for me to visit my old church. To honor my next door neighbor. I just thought of that as I was typing.

So if I had not thought of going to the old church, would that make me a coward to stay home on a morning that I would ordinarily attend. My attendance is pretty much regular. I miss if I have company or a trip or something, but I almost never just sit home on Sunday morning. I am always doing SOMETHING Sunday morning. Usually it's church.

If I didn't have the alternative that I now realize that I would REALLY like to do, I would stay home rather than take the chance of having her name called out and having to figure out what to do, coward or not.

Still another Ahhhh Moment

There was a post on the support board today about upcoming Mother's day.

Since I don't even have kids, I had tried to keep hubbie from realizing when Mother's Day was coming -- not turning the calendar, switching the TV during commercials, throwing out sale papers, etc. I am sure it was all in vain. I am sure that JB made sure he knew anyway.

When hubbie and I first started dating and were first married, he didn't even pay much attention to Mother's Day, but later he did. In fact, the last time that I saw JB may have been Mother's day 2002. Two Mother's Days in a row, I was demanded to go to MIL's instead of to my Mom's for a craptacular that SIL put on at MIL's house.

This year, Ahhhhh.

First JB-Free Holiday(s)

It's Maundy Thursday, tomorrow Good Friday and Sunday Easter. If the phone rings, will I feel the usual holiday weekend panic out of habit?

It's that peaceful ahhhhh feeling again. No summons to rescue JB this time. No emergency that only hubbie can handle.

Buuuutttt....
Hubbie may be sad. First holiday without Mother. JB's hubbie, (hubbie's dad) was in the hospital at Easter 5 years ago. It was the hospitalization leading up to his death. I don't know if hubbie remembers that he was in there over Easter or not. If he does, he'll be doubly sad. I won't remind him and make him sad if he's not already.

On that Easter Sunday when hubbie was with his parents, my dear sweet next door neighbor invited me to join her family for their Easter lunch. It was so sweet. That next door neighbor also died unexpectedly in the past year. I remember thinking when she died how unfair it was that someone like my neighbor had to die when there was so much evil in the world like JB left behind.

.

Still nice not to think of things

We had severe weather today. I looked at the weather map earlier and saw it was over JB's house. First thought, out of habit "if lightening hits her house and burns it down, I hope she dies in it so she we won' t have to deal with hubbie going to fix her problems or moving her in here with us." Followed closely by hoping the ligntening or a tonrado did get it and her with it.

Then that feeling of relief again. That's another thing that I can get out of the habit of thinking about/worrying about.

Although lightening burning down the house would still be a blessing. There wouldn't be all the hassle of SIL figuring out what to do with it and hubbie having to help her with it. I am SOOOOOO praying that SIL will sell it and get the last remnant out of our lives.

So Nice Not to be Worrying

I sent an email today to someone I know who also has had MIL problems. This girl was physically assaulted by her MIL. I often wished that JB would do something concrete that I could point at so that hubbie could see her true colors. She was too smart and just pulled her passive/aggressive stuff on me.

Now I no longer have to worry or care of hubbie sees her for what she was. Since she's finally dead, it's over. There will be no more trouble out of her.

All I feel when something like this comes up is relief that I don't have to think about it any more.

Another thing I no longer have to worry about

That is JB coming to live with us.

That would not have happened anyway. If she had moved in, it would have been with him, not with us. Her moving in would have been a deal breaker. I would have moved out. Fortunately, we never had the discussion. I think Hubbie knew the answer without one. So, I didn't worry about that one very much, but it was in the back of my mind.

I think that JB wanted it though. She always had a way of making comments about other people's situations that were really Passive Aggressively made out her own situation.

The last time I saw her alive was during the time after FIL died. When I was at her house, she was talking to somebody (I am not sure who) about a "friend" of hers. She said that "her friend" didn't want to move away and leave her home to live with her children in another city, but sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. Was that said for me to hear? I don't know for sure, but I thought so.

During the Hurricane Isabel incident in my last post (less than six months later), I did worry about it. Hubbie wanted her to come stay for "a few days." I had a fear of the meaning of "a few days." I did not tell him that, I only told him that I would not be there when she was there.

Severe Weather

Earlier, I said that one of the weights off of my shoulder is that I feel that I no longer have to plan for special events six months in advance in order to keep them for my little family. (Hubbie and me only, as we never chose to try to have children)

Another weight off of my shoulders, I don't have to include "what about MIL" in my disaster plan.

I don't mean the disaster of MIL herself, but the weather emergency plan. We live on the East Coast which means Hurricanes. Whenever getting our "kits" together and making plans for "what if", I also had to plan for/against her for my "emergency preparedness" routine. We live about 100 miles inland. JB was about 30 miles inland. The biggest damage is usually closer to the coast than JB unless it's a high category when it hits. (Usually confined to the immediate coastal area.) We were actually hit worse than she was in the time we lived here. One pretty bad one hit the coast South of her but the eye made a straight line from the coast to where we live. She just had a lot of rain, but we had trees down all over town, were on emergency power for a week, etc.

She hasn't had one that bad since before I knew her. Lots of people had trees on houses, we were lucky. Our cul-de-sac was blocked so we couldn't get out until the men cut up and move the tree, and we had water get into our basement, but no trees on the house.

We do have a generator. We had one when it was a geeky thing to have one -- before they were popular. I knew that if anything ever happened at JB's house and not at our house, hubbie would be trying to get that generator to them, even though he says that it's too difficult to get back out of the place where we have it. He'd find a way for them. For a long time, was often looking at generators and wanting to get a second one -- in case ours breaks when we need it he claimed. Yea, right! He was looking at smaller ones. We all know that it was so that if something happened, he'd have one to carry to his parents house to use. I told him no, he didn't need it and he never got a second one. Now, (I think I may test the waters and see if he still wants a second one?)

Whenever a hurricane was approaching Hubbie was worrying about her as much as us! It got much worse after evil FIL passed. When Isabel was approaching the east coast and we did not know where it would hit and thought it would be a bad one, he wanted to go get her and bring her to our house. This happened a few months after JB's evil co-hort, my FIL died. When hubbie said he was thinking about going to go get her and bring her back to our house, I told him that I supposed I could find another place to stay. He said "why can't she come stay here for a few days?" I said "she can, but I won't be here." I don't know if he came up with this idea on his own or if it was prompted by her "poor widow me" game. (It's really 50/50!)

He made the right decision. But it did drive me to drinking the next night. He was out that night at a class or meeting or something. I drink very little -- some champagne on New Years Eve and maybe one or two more drinks during the year, but more than half a drink more during the year is a heavy drinking year for me. If I do have a drink, it's usually wine or a mixed drink, almost never beer. That night, I had TWO BEERS.

When Isabel did hit land, she hit hard, but not in either of our areas. JB just got some rain, if that. It only affected me because I had a business trip to Washington DC (Rockville Maryland, actually) the next week and they were hit almost as hard as we got hit by the one I mentioned getting us earlier earlier.

Any other reasons, do you ask, besides the obvious, did I not want her to come stay for "a few days"? I had the fear that the few days would be the rest of her life.

Two side effects of this. First, whenever it comes time to get our emergency plans together, I am checking out what hotels might be available, (though I have a friend I can probably stay with).

The second side effect of this is that I realized during the approach of the storm how little I really care about my HOUSE. It's an OK house, I'll probably live here the rest of my life, but I'm not so attached to it that I cannot part with it and be happy somewhere else. And unlike hubbie, I at the time, had enough money squirreled away that I could have bought another house. I found myself thinking -- if they want it let them have the damn house, but it will be empty. The two of them can enjoy it together. Most of the furnishings are ones bought from my salary while all of his salary was spent on keeping his family together. Some others were hand-me downs/family pieces. What he had when we got married he left in his single-wide which he gave to his Father to rent out.

I even found myself making an exit plan, thinking about what kind of house I wanted if I had to live by myself, etc. It was the second closest that I ever came to thinking about divorce. All of this was the day after he said something about going to get her.

So, when forced to make a choice, he did choose me. Maybe I should have forced him more often?

As I have said before, Thank God Its Over. All of those agonizing thoughts that I had to go through mostly on my own.

Now, I don't have to include "what about MIL" in my disaster plan. How to get my stuff out of the house and where to go if she comes here. She won't be coming here.

To repeat myself from previous posts, I'm so glad it's over. The weight of the world is gone from my shoulders.

More About My Feelings About JBs Death -- FREEDOM

I said earlier that I was not sad. But I was not happy either. I was sad for hubbie.

What I feel is a weight off of my shoulders. Relief. Relaxed. The afternoon after having had a nightmare the night before. Like I am breathing fresh air. It's not that I am happy over her death. It's that I now feel free, hence the name of the blog. I am Free of JB, but even more, I am free.

The whole nightmare of the last 23 years seems like just that, a nightmare that I woke up from a little while ago. The whole ordeal of JB seems like something in the distant past.

I feel like my married life is about to start. So many things, that I will discuss in a new post, can be different now. Easier. The gist of it is that I can be more relaxed. I don't have to be sure to make plans ahead of time if I want to get particular dates ahead of MIL getting dates. Before, if I wanted to have July 4, Easter, etc. with hubbie, I had to make plans far ahead of time. Now I am free to take things as they come, free to wait until the last minute to plan, and free to change plans at the last minute.

I feel free to not have to have locks on the closet doors to keep the clan out of what's private when hubbie is hospitalized in case JB and the clan come to my house due to his condition.

75% of the fights hubbie and I have ever had have been over his parents. Now we are free to have our married life on our own -- to succeed and fail at on our own, without the outside inteference.