Goodbye message

I posted about my plans to not attend church on All Saint's Day as JB passed this year and I have conflicted feelings about it.

I realize now how I can use that time to start the end to the bitterness that I feel.

I have posted on a support board for a long time.

I used to visit the ILs regularly. I did NOT want to. A cutoff was not for me at the time. I thought I had to go with him in order to protect my interests. Both JB (evil MIL) and EJ (evil FIL) used DH. I felt like by going with him whenever he went, I first knew what was going on, and second, prevented some of the worst abuses. (Remember, what they wanted from him was his paycheck and for him to do any work that needed doing.)

That part of the saga ended on Halloween in 2002. The night before Halloween, Hubbie and I had a guest over for supper. But his parents called and he went off to take the call. Not in private, but in secret. I could tell from some of the side of the conversation that I was hearing that it was something serious and that he was going to come through for them. I asked him what was going on. He said "nothing". I knew he was lying. The content and context of the phone conversation was much more serious than his leaving table with a dinner guest.

So I came home from work early the next day and snooped through his office for info. I found that he had fed-ex'd something to them. (I later found out that it was a large check made out to a used car dealer.) But more than that, I found out that the ILs and Hubbie had been going to extraordinary measures to keep secrets from me. The nature of those extraordinary measures upset me so bad that I felt like I was living with a stranger, I was crying at work. I took a sick day to put my ducks in a row in case of a divorce. It was one of only two times I ever thought about divorce.

The power of having been on the support board led me to two things the first was that I realized a cut off is possible. For all of the bad, Halloween 2002 was also the first of my freedom days. I realized that since Hubbie and ILs were going so far undercover, that all of my painful journeys to the ILs were a waste of time, and therefore I was never going to see them again.

I cannot honor EJ for All Saint's Day. But the night before is All Hallow's Eve when we are supposed to chase the evil spirits away. I am going to use that night to chase away an evil spirit. Not that of MIL, but the spirit of my pain and anger and resentment. I am going to use that as a night to start chasing away all the negative emotions that I have bottled up in 20+ years that I knew her.

The other thing that I gained from the support board is I did go into counseling as well. I tried to take Hubbie, but that was another disaster I won't get into. But I found a good individual counselor after that experience who helped me immensely.

I know that there will still be rocky places in the road, such as Christmas, her birthday, and the "one year anniversary" and perhaps some after whenever SIL decides what to do with "the estate". (AKA haunted white elephant farm)

All Saints Day is Coming

I go to church regularly. Hubbie does not go with me as we don't see eye to eye on religion (he's more conservative).

JB went in the hospital on a Thursday and died on Sunday. In Sunday
School class, I requested prayers for hubbie (I did not request any for JB). I admitted that JB and I were "not close", but it was to be difficult for hubbie.

So everyone wanted to be updated of course so I let them know when she passed. Everyone there made a big deal about MY loss. I felt like such a hypocrite. Some of the people there know the truth of my relationship with JB.

Irony: I had just made the prayer request and the Sunday School teacher had prayed for the family when I got the call that they decided to "pull the plug". Later that afternoon, I was back at the church, waiting to donate blood when the call came in that she had passed.

The Women's group traditionally buys a book for the church library whenever a member of the group has a family member who passes away. The member is supposed to write a dedication in the book before it's put in the library. The president of the overall women's organization is one of those who knew the truth, so I talked to her about being uncomfortable with it, about feeling hypocritical about the whole situation. She simply stated to put something generic in it, that others have certainly had books dedicated to people who they have "tense relationships" with. I don't know what happened behind the scenes, but I have not been asked to sign a book to this date. I suppose I need to think of something diplomatic, honest and Christian to write if that comes up.

The reason that I am writing now is not about the book but about the upcoming All Saint's Day. At the church, a candelabra is at the front of the church to honor all who have gone to heaven -- church members and church member's friend and family members.

They are asking people to send in names of people who they want honored. I am not going to send in her name as, even though I am Christian and try to be a good one, and it's a nonchristian thing to say, I feel that she went the other way. I feel like honoring her is hypocritical.

If it ended there, it would be fine. But I fear that a candle will be placed there in her honor anyway. During the service, they ask that any loved ones who wish come to the front to light that person's candle. That I cannot do. I can't pretend. Sitting there when her name is called out would call unwanted attention to me as well. (In person, I am someone who likes to fade into the background anyway.)

I am going to skip church that day. What I just thought of was this. My beloved next door neighbor also passed in the past year. The lady who I so wanted to trade for my MIL. I used to attend the church that she attended -- I changed churches because there were some opportunities to grow that were not available at the older, smaller church. But I remain friends with all of the members. Instead of skipping church, that will be a day for me to visit my old church. To honor my next door neighbor. I just thought of that as I was typing.

So if I had not thought of going to the old church, would that make me a coward to stay home on a morning that I would ordinarily attend. My attendance is pretty much regular. I miss if I have company or a trip or something, but I almost never just sit home on Sunday morning. I am always doing SOMETHING Sunday morning. Usually it's church.

If I didn't have the alternative that I now realize that I would REALLY like to do, I would stay home rather than take the chance of having her name called out and having to figure out what to do, coward or not.