All Saints Day is Coming

I go to church regularly. Hubbie does not go with me as we don't see eye to eye on religion (he's more conservative).

JB went in the hospital on a Thursday and died on Sunday. In Sunday
School class, I requested prayers for hubbie (I did not request any for JB). I admitted that JB and I were "not close", but it was to be difficult for hubbie.

So everyone wanted to be updated of course so I let them know when she passed. Everyone there made a big deal about MY loss. I felt like such a hypocrite. Some of the people there know the truth of my relationship with JB.

Irony: I had just made the prayer request and the Sunday School teacher had prayed for the family when I got the call that they decided to "pull the plug". Later that afternoon, I was back at the church, waiting to donate blood when the call came in that she had passed.

The Women's group traditionally buys a book for the church library whenever a member of the group has a family member who passes away. The member is supposed to write a dedication in the book before it's put in the library. The president of the overall women's organization is one of those who knew the truth, so I talked to her about being uncomfortable with it, about feeling hypocritical about the whole situation. She simply stated to put something generic in it, that others have certainly had books dedicated to people who they have "tense relationships" with. I don't know what happened behind the scenes, but I have not been asked to sign a book to this date. I suppose I need to think of something diplomatic, honest and Christian to write if that comes up.

The reason that I am writing now is not about the book but about the upcoming All Saint's Day. At the church, a candelabra is at the front of the church to honor all who have gone to heaven -- church members and church member's friend and family members.

They are asking people to send in names of people who they want honored. I am not going to send in her name as, even though I am Christian and try to be a good one, and it's a nonchristian thing to say, I feel that she went the other way. I feel like honoring her is hypocritical.

If it ended there, it would be fine. But I fear that a candle will be placed there in her honor anyway. During the service, they ask that any loved ones who wish come to the front to light that person's candle. That I cannot do. I can't pretend. Sitting there when her name is called out would call unwanted attention to me as well. (In person, I am someone who likes to fade into the background anyway.)

I am going to skip church that day. What I just thought of was this. My beloved next door neighbor also passed in the past year. The lady who I so wanted to trade for my MIL. I used to attend the church that she attended -- I changed churches because there were some opportunities to grow that were not available at the older, smaller church. But I remain friends with all of the members. Instead of skipping church, that will be a day for me to visit my old church. To honor my next door neighbor. I just thought of that as I was typing.

So if I had not thought of going to the old church, would that make me a coward to stay home on a morning that I would ordinarily attend. My attendance is pretty much regular. I miss if I have company or a trip or something, but I almost never just sit home on Sunday morning. I am always doing SOMETHING Sunday morning. Usually it's church.

If I didn't have the alternative that I now realize that I would REALLY like to do, I would stay home rather than take the chance of having her name called out and having to figure out what to do, coward or not.

New Problem

This isn't exactly a JB problem. But I found out something disturbing about another member of the family. I can't get into it. But it is disturbing enough that I need to follow up and get more information. Hubbie has known about it for at least a week and maybe for months and never told me. This could cost me another 2K and lots of time to find out what I need to know and why it was kept from me.

God's Hand in JB's last day and Afterwards

I am Christian. Not a holy-roller type, pretty mainstream. I go to church and Sunday School most weeks. JB was a particular challenge to me. I know that you are supposed to love your enemies, turn the other cheek, try to reconcile, etc. My preacher said that some people are hard to love....

When she was in the hospital on life support and hubbie was there with her, I was left at home, not by his side where I thought I should be.

(1) The Sunday during that time, when prayer request time came around, I hesitated even mentioning her, because I was conflicted. I wanted her to die. I know that is not the Christian way. Finally I told the class her condition that I was conflicted. Her Dr. had said that there was no hope. But was my wanting her to go off life support because I wanted her gone or because it was the best thing? (I didn't say that much...) My Sunday school teacher then led us in a prayer with the various prayer requests. For JB, she turned that situation over to God.. She prayed that the family make the right decision and for me to deal with the "strained relationship". Not 5 minutes later, hubbie called my cell phone. With medical and pastoral advice, they had decided to remove the life support. To this day, my teacher and I both believe that God had a hand in that decision. The timing was too eerie.

(2)
Then later that afternoon, she died. I was scheduled to give blood that day at my church's annual drive. I knew that she would not last long off of life support, but since hubbie did not want me to go join him, I figured that I had might as well go on doing what I would be doing if the situation did not exist rather than sitting at home waiting for him to call. He called my cell while I was at the blood drive to let me know she had passed away. I was in the waiting area between registration and the couches. In fact, my number got called while I was on the phone with him, but I signaled the next person to go on. I doubt they knew what I was talking about on the phone. It turns out that there was a problem with his donation. His bag got busted and his was unusable. Mine turned out fine. Later, I found out that MIL JB had received blood and that she and I had the same blood type. I always thought that I would not want her to have any of my
blood, but she would not have gotten it anyway, we were in different regions. But I think that at least it is good that I was able to replace in some sort of way what she had needlessly consumed.

(3)
Everyone kept saying that they would pray for me. I felt that I did not need prayers, because I was not upset for her death. I even felt like a hypocrit. I did say "thank-you" to most people rather than "that's ok, we didn't like each other anyway."

It turns out that I did need the prayers. One of my preachers mentioned that often the death of one who you don't get along with is sometimes harder. But really, it wasn't. If you read my initial posts on this blog, you will see that my feelings were pretty neutral -- neither happy nor sad.

But I did have some needs. I did not want to sleep at JB's haunted and nasty house when in her town for the funeral.(you can read posts about that as well...) I did not want to sleep at my Mom's house 40 miles away either. My Mom would be barking judgmental orders and asking nosey questions. I just wasn't in the mood for my Mom. I also didn't want to do the extra driving. So, I told hubbie that I was getting a hotel. He objected. He wanted me to stay with him at his Mom's house or with my Mom or sister. I would have been fine staying with him -- at the hotel, but not at JB's nasty house. I wanted somewhere I cold take a shower that did not have visible mold. I wanted a bed to sleep in that was somewhat clean. Hotels don't always have that either, but I felt my chances were better than that. With him grieving, I couldn't say that to him. But I did have the excuse of that there was only a double bed and he hogs the whole bed in a double bed. He offered to sleep on a sofa.

My best friend from work found out that I needed support. Without question, she called her hubbie. She left straight from work and followed me to hubbie's home town. We stayed in a hotel room together. She stood by my side at the wake and spared me my Mom's criticisms and gave me someone to talk to rather than the Clampett's and the Darling's. (No, that's an insult, the Clampett's and the Darling's are rednecks. ILs are White Trash.)

I feel that she was my guardian angel, sent by God as an answer to all the prayers prayed for me. She enabled me to stay in a comfortable room that at least appeared cleaner and to have some support at the wake. When I called hubbie and told him that friend was coming and we were going to stay in the hotel together, he never objected to the hotel.

In my ladies group at church, we are supposed to keep an angel notebook. I had not had any "angel encounters" to list, until then. To me, my friend that night before the funeral was an angel, sent by God. Everyone agreed. I am still awed at what she did that for me.

The Tupperware

JB was a tupperware dealer at one time. She was obsessed with the stuff.

After giving all away that she could get rid of, Hubbie's sister sent the rest home with him to dontate to our church yard sale for missions. For years, she gave everyone tupperware and her relatives already had lots. A friend of mine wants to look through it before I donate it to see if there is anything she wants.

I long ago got rid of a bunch of my tupperware to keep from having things around that remind me of her. As it turns out, it didn't get her off of my mind. So I was thinking, maybe I should look through it first to see if there is anything in there that I can use. There are SIX LARGE SIZE garbage bags full. I opened the first and started looking through it. It turns out that when I opened it, it smelled like MIL's house. Smelling that smell brought back horrible feelings. So I decided not to try to get any out. I am supposed to let my friend look through it tomorrow and my Mom and sister look through it on Sunday. I am not sure how I will handle it.

That was the first time I have gotten that pit in my stomach since she died.