I really did NOT wish Her Dead. Really

I really didn't want to wish that. All that I wished was both her and my FIL and her hubbie evil EJ who pre-deceased her by seven years to either shape up or get out of my life. Unfortunately, her death was the only way it would happen. I already knew that. I was in therapy for a couple years between the deaths of Evil JB and Evil EJ. My therapist actually said "Sometimes somebody has to die for a situation to get better." Again, while I did not want to "wish her dead", she helped me (a little) to not feel too guilty about my feelings. I really just wished her OUT OF MY LIFE since I knew better than to expect that she would ever change and that hubbie's attitude toward her was also not going to change.


So while I didn't grieve and I celebrate on the date of the anniversary of her death, it's not the death itself I celebrate, but the result of the death which is having her out totally out of my life.

I cut her out of my life as much as I could, but still always had to be watching my back because she was very much part of hubbie's life and very manipulative. Having me out of the picture and becoming a widow gave her more opportunities to manipulate. That being over. No more manipulation from her. No more going to visit the nasty haunted house. No more watching my back instead of looking forward. That is what I celebrate.

Bad Weather - Whew

So the whole East Coast from Florida to Canada is being drenched. DH is on a trip to the midwest right now.

The city where MIL lived has been under tornado and flood warnings. To my knowledge, nothing has actually happened where she lived.

One good thing that MIL did for me -- make me appreciate my own situation. While it is stressful to have to practically swim wherever I'm going (OK, I'm exaggerating). It's NICE to ONLY have to deal with how this affects me personally, to NO LONGER be expected to put all that aside to rescue MIL from whatever is going on.

If we happened to have a tree down on our house and water pouring in (which we don't) and if MIL had something to deal with also, MIL would have guilted DH into taking care of her instead, no matter how major or minor her situation was. Even if there was no situation other than the nasty weather, she'd find a way to manipulate him there. She'd even find a way to get him to leave his business trip, which is important. She might would even be working on that way to get him to bring her back to our house, for good. She never openly expressed that and DH being dense denied that she wanted that, but I could see what she was getting at through her actions.

So, when having to deal with extra traffic because of the combination of accidents and slowdowns, water in the basement, etc. I know that I have TIME to deal with those things. It's actually refreshing to be able to live my own life as it comes and NOT be EXPECTED to put whatever I am dealing with aside because MIL's situation is AUTOMATICALLY more important than our situation. The good thing that MIL gave me is that I am able to relax more and realize that no matter how bad things get, they will be OK. They are OUR things and they are not all that major.


All you wet gray clouds up there, you do have a silver lining this time.

I was right about my feelings

You know how you sometimes tell yourself you feel something, but you doubt that you feel that way?

Well, I confirmed how I feel. I always got upset when hubbie wanted to visit JB and did NOT want him to go. I always told myself that it was just her, and it was only because I knew that his visiting her was going to cost us dearly --financially and emotionally. He always had to buy her something when he went or as a result of going. She'd lay the guilt trip on him about going. He often had to do physical labor repairing stuff too. It would bug me when he'd fix things for her he wouldn't fix for us!

Then the whole trip -- because of how things are there would get him into a funk. He would be very hard to get along with for days after.

He wants to go see his sister now. I really don't mind. I don't have those feelings. I did ask him to not go this week because we had company over. But he has a couple days off next week and he might go. That is fine with me. It isn't stirring up any emotions of fears within me. I'm pretty neutral about him going. I don't feel all "oh yippeee, he's going about it." But more like "That's fine. Hope it works out for them." I even asked him "Did you get up with your sister?"

There is even a family reunion this weekend. I always dreaded him going. If he wants to go this year, that's fine too!

So, it's not his family that bugs me, just his parents and their attitudes.

Ohhh that smell

There are two things covered in this post. Part of this was posted on the MIL support board, but I have added some information to this, including what comes first, also removed some changes in fact. Sometimes when posting on the support board, I change minor facts that do not change the gist of the story just for disguise. In this case, on the support board, I was talking about boxes and left what was in the boxes kind of generic. The true story is it was Six Large garbage bags full of Tupperware.


But first some back story that will seem totally unrelated until I get to the end of the posting.

I love strawberries and making strawberry pies. Last year when eating strawberries, I noticed I was itching some. I made two strawberry pies yesterday -- one for Mom and one for us. After eating a small piece, I was itching all over. Last year, it was only around my mouth and wrists that I was itching. I ended up taking some benedryl, but it didn't help. I really hope it isn't strawberries.

When hubbie went to help his sister clean his Mom's house out, he called and wanted to know if I knew anyone having any yard sales. There was a lot of extra tupperware that they did not know what to do with. I told him that I did know of a couple charity groups having some. So he came home with SIX large garbage bags full.

My Mom and sister found out about it and they wanted to go through it. I didn't want anything from JB's around because I didn't want anything to remind me. I decided to look through it and see if there was anything that I wanted myself. I had gotten rid of everything that comes from her house because it only reminded me of her, but it seems that not having the stuff doesn't get her off the mind, so what the heck? My friend was coming over yesterday to look through it and see if there was anything I wanted.

I mentioned in a blog post yesterday that when I started going it I smelled the smell of her house. I can't really say what the smell is, but it is it's own. I never thought much of her house having a smell before, until smelling it out of place. Friend, Mom, and sis did not notice any smell when going through the stuff yesterday and today. And when friend was over yesterday going through it, I did not smell anything during that time.

OK, so last night I am itching, thinking that unfortunately it was from the pie.

The hard part came when t I bags in my van today to take to Mom's for Mom and sis to look through. When I left home, the smell hit me again, quickly and unexpectedly. I had sort of forgotten it was back there. But the smell just hit me so that I could not ignore it. The smell emanated the van so much that I didn't think I could get out of the neighborhood. And it even hit me in the stomach to almost making me nauseous. I thought I was going to have to turn around. Luckily, it is a nice day. I opened the passenger side window, the sun roof and the back vents and ran the outside air fans on full blast and got away from most of it. When I got back home, the bags of stuff that they didn't take went out of the van and into the yard immediately. Hubbie got home right after I did and carried them back to his workshop. I left both sliding doors, the sunroof and the hatch open in the yard for a while to air it out. In the garage, I left the side doors and sunroof open a while longer. Smelling it made me feel kind of nauseous. I also started itching again when I was smelling the smell, so I wondered if the itching was because of smelling that tupperware/garbage bag/JB smell instead of the strawberries.

I also have a nauseous feeling and still kind of smell that smell. Now I wonder why I feel nauseous. I used to feel nauseous at her house all the time and I sort of thought it was the stress of being around her. Now I wonder, was the nausea from the stress or from some kind of fumes from the stuff in her house? Or did smelling that smell bring back the feeling and make me feel nauseous again -- was it in my mind?

I ate more strawberries and I am also itching again. Is the itching from the strawberries, from the Tupperware, or from the MIL-related stress? The benedryl didn't work last night. I am getting ready to go take some more.

And now the memory of that smell is ingrained in me and I am smelling it right now, even though the stuff has been taken back to hubbie's workshop until a charity yard sale he is taking the leftovers to.

I am also grinding my teeth again. My physician had recommended that I get counseling because teeth-grinding is often MIL-related. I did not get counseling then, but got counseling later on account of MIL.

Oh and when it goes to the yard sale -- it is going in the bed of the pickup truck. I don't know if I will be transporting it or if hubbie will be. But, if it is me, hubbie will le me drive his precious truck. It's not going back inside my van again.

Emotions, or lack Thereof

JB, the Evil MIL died in early February, which is in my original post. She contributed to the 23 years of my life before that being total hell.

I am normally a very emotional person. I get caught up in the emotion of things, even if I don't share the actual emotion. This includes things like movies and TV shows. I can see a story on TV about someone losing a loved one and I am a mess of tears.

In the months before MIL passed, I experienced the deaths of several people who were not people who were close to me. And I had a hard time not boo-hooing my eyes out.

Then MIL passes. A moment that I had both awaited and dreaded for several years.

I feared my emotional response to it. I feared that if I cried, it would look bad as everyone would find it to be crocodile tears. They would not be tears for the loss of MIL, just tears of being caught up in the moment.

I also feared the opposite response. That I would have to fight to mark the smirk off of my face.

Evil MIL JB has caused me in many ways to not be myself. This was another. When she died, nothing. I did not involuntarily cry or laugh either one. I did experience some emotion when she was sick. Hubbie called me and told me her symptoms before leaving for her bedside. I just knew that this was it. They had to put her on life support after he got there. At that time, I was a bit giddy. But when the time of death, and the festivities afterwards, I was going through the emotions.

It would also not be in my nature to wish somebody dead. But in counseling, I did realize that I knew that the problems would not end until after they were both dead -- for a while.

I did stare at the coffin during the funeral, with the thought in my head, "This is what I have been waiting for. She is actually in there."