Another "whew" week

I just remembered this one: the Fair.

Several years ago, we ran into some of DH's aunts at the state fair.

The year before evil JB died, I ran into DH's niece at the fair. Had not seen her in years due to cut off. I did not tell DH that I saw her, but I told her that I saw somebody he knew who knew him and knew me.

I feared that after evil JB heard that we had been seen at the state fair, that she would start making the pilgrimage to go.

But she died before the next one, so I did not have to worry about it.

Dreams

This was not really about evil JB, but about her granddaughter.

Last night I dreamed that I was at this niece's "house" and her little dog came at me and bit me.

(in real life she does not have a house. I don't know if she has a dog)

Asked her "husband" if the dog had its rabies shots. (in real life she does not have a husband)

This man got beligerant with me and told me that rabies shots are unnecessary.

I got ready to call 911 and they would not tell me the address. Then I woke up.

Glad I didn't have to start getting those shots before I woke up!

Freedom Increases

It has been a while since I posted.  Which means that my freedom has increased.  Holidays seem to be the big time.


Last one listed was July 4.  My birthday came later.  50th birthday.  No worries.


Then Labor Day weekend which is a major event for the hobby I am in.  This event is officially Saturday and Sunday.  But it gets started about a week before.  Many people go earlier.  Because I went out of town to this event without hubbie, I always worried that if Evil JB got wind, she'd have hubbie over.  So I arranged it like this:  I took Friday off and went Friday and Saturday. I made a point of leaving there by 3:00 on Saturday which put me back home in time for a late dinner with hubbie.  That would not necessarily keep him from going to the in-laws, but it did the trick.


After evil JB passed, hubbie decided to get involved in this hobbie as well.  So he goes to the event with me now.  The thought of HER doing something to interfere of course, never came into play.  But then Saturday, he wanted to stay another day, but said "but you have your routine and feel that you HAVE to leave by 3:00".  I said "we can stay as long as you like.  I always left then so that I could get home to you.  Since we are together, that is no longer an issue."  And as a matter of fact, if hubbie had been going with me before Evil JB and Evil EJ left, I would have probably not been anxious to leave at all, but wanted to stay longer to be out of their clutches.


So that passed.


Now the big holiday season is approaching.


Wedding Anniversary, then Thanksgiving, the Christmas and New Years.
This year is 25th anniversary. Have not decided yet what to do.  At 20th anniversary, did not decide even up until leaving for trip.  My plan "get as far away as possible".  With the unsaid words being "away from EJ and JB" followed by "so that they can't spoil it."


This time, distance from them is not part of the equation. 


Then come Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.  Since Not so Evil SIL, GR has no interest in hubbie, it's not an issue for that either.


Other people are trying to plan around their in-laws.  I can relax and say ahhhh.  There are still events I'd like to avoid.  The boring cocktail parties, etc.  But those events are ones that I would choose to attend over being around the Evils EJ and JB.


Hubbie does still have dreams of family with his sister.  But she barely acknowledges him.  She gives him last minute notice of things.  Last year I almost missed church on account of that.  This year I won't.  I will be participating in the service in some manner.

Independence Day, Part 2

I remember turning off the answering machine before holiday weekends because evil JB used the extra day as one that my hubbie, her son could do for her.

I always felt on edge on holidays.

This time, I did not feel that way. Just a relaxing three day weekend.

Field Day

In the past two weeks, I've had two of those Ahhhhhhhhh moments.

I am so totally detached that I didn't even get around to posting the first one. The second one was a delayed ahhhh.

First: I am a ham radio operator. We have an annual even that is the weekend of the 4th Saturday of the month. Part of hubbie's family has a reunion the weekend of the 4th Sunday of the month. 6 years out of seven, this is the same weekend.

So many years, I got dragged off and had to miss the second day. And after cutoff, I still had to worry about Evil JB using it to get him there (even though it was technically Evil EJ's side of the family, there were some relatives of hers there too. Family tree wasn't like one that didn't fork, there were some parallel branches.Evil JB 's Aunt was married to Evil EJ's uncle, so their kids were first cousins to both, for example.


So this year, hubbie and I are participating in this event. I did remember in the back of my mind about this family reunion, but I had mostly forgotten it. Hubbie got called by his sister on cell phone when we were on our way between two sites. He told her on the phone that he didn't know what he would be doing. He asked her how she was and then said "what's wrong." Sister is trying to take his Mom's place, but it isn't working. Instead of going to try to fix her problems, he gives her advice on some things to try to fix her problems. He said to me "she called to tell me that there's a reunion tomorrow." I said "kind of late notice isn't it?" No answer, but it was the last word spoken about the reunion.

Evil JB used any excuse to get hubbie down there to fullfill her santa/shopping list and her sonny-do list. He generally spent most of his time with her and very little time at the reunion. And it's one of those reunions where the people who were there that HE had connections with were his sister and her family. Both parents came from very large families, he didn't even know how many cousins he has. And there were so many that they sort of knew who each other was. No connection.

When Will I Truly Be Free?

It's Easter Sunday. I was going to make this my Easter. It was a cutoff date to make the nightmare of the ILs be OVER.

Instead, I overslept this morning. And in the oversleeping, I was having literal In-Law nightmares. Why?

It went like this. I was summoned by the police to the residence of DH's double something cousin's daugther's house. (Her Mother is first cousins with MIL through her Mother and first cosins with FIL through her Father, nothing incestuous - MIL's Aunt and FIL's uncle were married.)

When I arrived there, the police first said that there had been noise complaints against two addresses -- hers and another address which was not mine, so at that point, I was confused as to why I was summoned. Then it turns out in this dream that there was a second place against the girl. That complaint was that she had been "communicating threats" to the authorities about me. They wanted to know if I knew her or knew why she was doing this. My answer was that I didn't really know her well (I don't) but she was a distant cousin of my DH. He asked if I knew why she would threaten me. I said that I didn't get along well with MIL and FIL, but they are both deceased and I don't know of any reason that this girl would have something against me.

So I planned for the In-law nightmare to be over and past today. Instead, I woke up from a literal nightmare about the IL's. How strange is that? Something in my subconscious wanting me to hold onto it?

I really did NOT wish Her Dead. Really

I really didn't want to wish that. All that I wished was both her and my FIL and her hubbie evil EJ who pre-deceased her by seven years to either shape up or get out of my life. Unfortunately, her death was the only way it would happen. I already knew that. I was in therapy for a couple years between the deaths of Evil JB and Evil EJ. My therapist actually said "Sometimes somebody has to die for a situation to get better." Again, while I did not want to "wish her dead", she helped me (a little) to not feel too guilty about my feelings. I really just wished her OUT OF MY LIFE since I knew better than to expect that she would ever change and that hubbie's attitude toward her was also not going to change.


So while I didn't grieve and I celebrate on the date of the anniversary of her death, it's not the death itself I celebrate, but the result of the death which is having her out totally out of my life.

I cut her out of my life as much as I could, but still always had to be watching my back because she was very much part of hubbie's life and very manipulative. Having me out of the picture and becoming a widow gave her more opportunities to manipulate. That being over. No more manipulation from her. No more going to visit the nasty haunted house. No more watching my back instead of looking forward. That is what I celebrate.

2 Year Anniversary

Two years ago today I became MIL-free.

While I always feared how my Hubbie would handle losing her (he was dedicated to mommy), he has done remarkably well. Only a couple times have I seen behaviors out of him that seemed related to that.

Our marriage is SO much better now. All of the MAJOR problems we have ever had were in-law related.

Now, I feel that instead of always "watching my back" I "look forward" to life. Before, if a holiday, vacation, etc was coming (even bad weather events), I had to have a Plan B for how to keep MIL from causing a problem. Now, I just look forward. Hubbie and I make our own plans and go forward with them. It's so nice.

Oh, and I got the freedom 25 years before I ever expected it. She has centenarians in her family tree. She was "only" 75 when she died. I expected at least 10-20 more years if not more of putting up with her. The last two years of my life have been so much better than the 22 years before that.

Hubbie is out of town tonight. I celebrated by watching The Wizard Of Oz on Video Tape (I'm going to make a DVD this weekend).

Had the Internet existed when I first got married, I believe that I would have had better tools to handle the situation rather than setting bad precedents of bending over backwards. The net is such a great resource of information and support groups. Instead, I muddled through on my own for the first ten years, thinking I was alone.

I don't mean to rub it in. I look forward to each and everyone of you sisters and brothers finding "in-law relief" in whatever way you are able to get it -- agreement with hubbie/wife, of a cutoff, MIL coming around (rare, but it has happened), or whatever else it takes for each of you to get peace.