Independence Day, Part 2

I remember turning off the answering machine before holiday weekends because evil JB used the extra day as one that my hubbie, her son could do for her.

I always felt on edge on holidays.

This time, I did not feel that way. Just a relaxing three day weekend.

Field Day

In the past two weeks, I've had two of those Ahhhhhhhhh moments.

I am so totally detached that I didn't even get around to posting the first one. The second one was a delayed ahhhh.

First: I am a ham radio operator. We have an annual even that is the weekend of the 4th Saturday of the month. Part of hubbie's family has a reunion the weekend of the 4th Sunday of the month. 6 years out of seven, this is the same weekend.

So many years, I got dragged off and had to miss the second day. And after cutoff, I still had to worry about Evil JB using it to get him there (even though it was technically Evil EJ's side of the family, there were some relatives of hers there too. Family tree wasn't like one that didn't fork, there were some parallel branches.Evil JB 's Aunt was married to Evil EJ's uncle, so their kids were first cousins to both, for example.


So this year, hubbie and I are participating in this event. I did remember in the back of my mind about this family reunion, but I had mostly forgotten it. Hubbie got called by his sister on cell phone when we were on our way between two sites. He told her on the phone that he didn't know what he would be doing. He asked her how she was and then said "what's wrong." Sister is trying to take his Mom's place, but it isn't working. Instead of going to try to fix her problems, he gives her advice on some things to try to fix her problems. He said to me "she called to tell me that there's a reunion tomorrow." I said "kind of late notice isn't it?" No answer, but it was the last word spoken about the reunion.

Evil JB used any excuse to get hubbie down there to fullfill her santa/shopping list and her sonny-do list. He generally spent most of his time with her and very little time at the reunion. And it's one of those reunions where the people who were there that HE had connections with were his sister and her family. Both parents came from very large families, he didn't even know how many cousins he has. And there were so many that they sort of knew who each other was. No connection.

When Will I Truly Be Free?

It's Easter Sunday. I was going to make this my Easter. It was a cutoff date to make the nightmare of the ILs be OVER.

Instead, I overslept this morning. And in the oversleeping, I was having literal In-Law nightmares. Why?

It went like this. I was summoned by the police to the residence of DH's double something cousin's daugther's house. (Her Mother is first cousins with MIL through her Mother and first cosins with FIL through her Father, nothing incestuous - MIL's Aunt and FIL's uncle were married.)

When I arrived there, the police first said that there had been noise complaints against two addresses -- hers and another address which was not mine, so at that point, I was confused as to why I was summoned. Then it turns out in this dream that there was a second place against the girl. That complaint was that she had been "communicating threats" to the authorities about me. They wanted to know if I knew her or knew why she was doing this. My answer was that I didn't really know her well (I don't) but she was a distant cousin of my DH. He asked if I knew why she would threaten me. I said that I didn't get along well with MIL and FIL, but they are both deceased and I don't know of any reason that this girl would have something against me.

So I planned for the In-law nightmare to be over and past today. Instead, I woke up from a literal nightmare about the IL's. How strange is that? Something in my subconscious wanting me to hold onto it?

I really did NOT wish Her Dead. Really

I really didn't want to wish that. All that I wished was both her and my FIL and her hubbie evil EJ who pre-deceased her by seven years to either shape up or get out of my life. Unfortunately, her death was the only way it would happen. I already knew that. I was in therapy for a couple years between the deaths of Evil JB and Evil EJ. My therapist actually said "Sometimes somebody has to die for a situation to get better." Again, while I did not want to "wish her dead", she helped me (a little) to not feel too guilty about my feelings. I really just wished her OUT OF MY LIFE since I knew better than to expect that she would ever change and that hubbie's attitude toward her was also not going to change.


So while I didn't grieve and I celebrate on the date of the anniversary of her death, it's not the death itself I celebrate, but the result of the death which is having her out totally out of my life.

I cut her out of my life as much as I could, but still always had to be watching my back because she was very much part of hubbie's life and very manipulative. Having me out of the picture and becoming a widow gave her more opportunities to manipulate. That being over. No more manipulation from her. No more going to visit the nasty haunted house. No more watching my back instead of looking forward. That is what I celebrate.

2 Year Anniversary

Two years ago today I became MIL-free.

While I always feared how my Hubbie would handle losing her (he was dedicated to mommy), he has done remarkably well. Only a couple times have I seen behaviors out of him that seemed related to that.

Our marriage is SO much better now. All of the MAJOR problems we have ever had were in-law related.

Now, I feel that instead of always "watching my back" I "look forward" to life. Before, if a holiday, vacation, etc was coming (even bad weather events), I had to have a Plan B for how to keep MIL from causing a problem. Now, I just look forward. Hubbie and I make our own plans and go forward with them. It's so nice.

Oh, and I got the freedom 25 years before I ever expected it. She has centenarians in her family tree. She was "only" 75 when she died. I expected at least 10-20 more years if not more of putting up with her. The last two years of my life have been so much better than the 22 years before that.

Hubbie is out of town tonight. I celebrated by watching The Wizard Of Oz on Video Tape (I'm going to make a DVD this weekend).

Had the Internet existed when I first got married, I believe that I would have had better tools to handle the situation rather than setting bad precedents of bending over backwards. The net is such a great resource of information and support groups. Instead, I muddled through on my own for the first ten years, thinking I was alone.

I don't mean to rub it in. I look forward to each and everyone of you sisters and brothers finding "in-law relief" in whatever way you are able to get it -- agreement with hubbie/wife, of a cutoff, MIL coming around (rare, but it has happened), or whatever else it takes for each of you to get peace.

Just Reflecting -- Life's Getting Better

Now that FIL has been dead for over 7 years (wow!) and MIL for over a year and a half, life is getting closer and closer to what I would have always considered normal. To have to wait until Hubbie was in his 50s and me in my late 40s.

I don't feel like Evil JB is part of every decision we make, even if peripherally.

1. We have a special day coming. Don't have to worry that we have to make plans before JB hijacks the day.
2. Same as above with holiday weekends.
   
3. We take a trip. Don't have to worry about JB having an emergency and having to cancel or leave early or go there as soon as we get home. I worried about if she knew about the trip or not. She had emergencies when she knew we had trips. Not when she didn't. Hubbie never saw it.
   
4. We make a special big ticket purchase. Don't have to worry about JB having an emergency need of the same thing for herself -- at our expense. Again, wanted to make sure JB never knew about it.
   
5. The telephone rings. Don't have to fear that it's JB on the other end disrupting our lives. Almost a daily occurrence.
6. Bad weather -- hurricanes, floods, and such. Hubbie now focuses on our situation and not on what hers might be. Don't have to worry about him going to rescue them afterwards or help them "hunker down" beforehand.
   

Even as bad as it all was, reading this short list makes it seem so much like a really bad nightmare. I was ALWAYS looking over my shoulder for her interference and jealousy. Now I can look ahead and forward to living.

Bad Weather - Whew

So the whole East Coast from Florida to Canada is being drenched. DH is on a trip to the midwest right now.

The city where MIL lived has been under tornado and flood warnings. To my knowledge, nothing has actually happened where she lived.

One good thing that MIL did for me -- make me appreciate my own situation. While it is stressful to have to practically swim wherever I'm going (OK, I'm exaggerating). It's NICE to ONLY have to deal with how this affects me personally, to NO LONGER be expected to put all that aside to rescue MIL from whatever is going on.

If we happened to have a tree down on our house and water pouring in (which we don't) and if MIL had something to deal with also, MIL would have guilted DH into taking care of her instead, no matter how major or minor her situation was. Even if there was no situation other than the nasty weather, she'd find a way to manipulate him there. She'd even find a way to get him to leave his business trip, which is important. She might would even be working on that way to get him to bring her back to our house, for good. She never openly expressed that and DH being dense denied that she wanted that, but I could see what she was getting at through her actions.

So, when having to deal with extra traffic because of the combination of accidents and slowdowns, water in the basement, etc. I know that I have TIME to deal with those things. It's actually refreshing to be able to live my own life as it comes and NOT be EXPECTED to put whatever I am dealing with aside because MIL's situation is AUTOMATICALLY more important than our situation. The good thing that MIL gave me is that I am able to relax more and realize that no matter how bad things get, they will be OK. They are OUR things and they are not all that major.


All you wet gray clouds up there, you do have a silver lining this time.