Field Day / Reunion /Ahhhh!

This weekend is the ham radio field day weekend. I am a ham radio operator. Most years, there is a family reunion on the second day of field day. (Field day is the forth Saturday and the following Sunday. The reunion is the Fourth Sunday, which usually follows the forth Saturday, but occasionally follows the third Saturday)

Because I dreaded hubbie being snowed in by JB and his mood after a visit, I was not able to enjoy Field Day weekend. Before I quit seeing JB, I often had to leave field day and go to the reunion.

Even when hubbie didn't go to the reunion, he often went to JB's that weekend which mean $$$$ spent.

This year he is working so he won't be going. In past years, I would have been happy he was working and therefore unable to attend. This year -- it really doesn't mater. If he wanted to go, I don't think it wold bother me like it has in the past. I would not go because I'm going to be at field day.

I was right about my feelings

You know how you sometimes tell yourself you feel something, but you doubt that you feel that way?

Well, I confirmed how I feel. I always got upset when hubbie wanted to visit JB and did NOT want him to go. I always told myself that it was just her, and it was only because I knew that his visiting her was going to cost us dearly --financially and emotionally. He always had to buy her something when he went or as a result of going. She'd lay the guilt trip on him about going. He often had to do physical labor repairing stuff too. It would bug me when he'd fix things for her he wouldn't fix for us!

Then the whole trip -- because of how things are there would get him into a funk. He would be very hard to get along with for days after.

He wants to go see his sister now. I really don't mind. I don't have those feelings. I did ask him to not go this week because we had company over. But he has a couple days off next week and he might go. That is fine with me. It isn't stirring up any emotions of fears within me. I'm pretty neutral about him going. I don't feel all "oh yippeee, he's going about it." But more like "That's fine. Hope it works out for them." I even asked him "Did you get up with your sister?"

There is even a family reunion this weekend. I always dreaded him going. If he wants to go this year, that's fine too!

So, it's not his family that bugs me, just his parents and their attitudes.

More About Phone Calls

I now think that MIL was playing games with the phone up until she died. I posted about how she would hang up when I answered and later tell hubbie that I had pretended not to hear her. AFter that, I started specifically reported every hangup call I got to him. There was one that was pretty obviously her. After that, she only called him on the cell phone.


I still got the occasional hangup. I finally accepted that now these were the normal hangups of robocallers or rude people with the wrong number. A lot of them were late at night. But MIL has been dead for 4-1/2 months. IN THAT PERIOD OF TIME, I HAVE NOT HAD A SINGLE HANGUP CALL. So now, I again think that maybe those were her.


I really did not suspect her until after she died. There were several reasons I didn't think it was her before. First, it was only 3 or 4 calls a month -- nothing so excessive it could not have been wrong numbers. Second is that it was so much more like 15 year old behavior than 75 year old behavior -- even if the person had lots of other problems and faults. And third, she only called DH's cell when she wanted to talk to him since the incident of me yelling across the house.

But another reason TO suspect is that these calls is the timing. They happened around 4:30 pm or just before midnight. She was a night owl -- forwarding emails all night long.

I am pretty sure that she knew that hubbie got home around 5:30 and I got home around 4 and that DH goes to bed around 10 and I stay until after the weather on the 11:00 news, or sometimes later. These calls were before he got home and after he went to bed -- times that I would be the one to answer the phone.

It just occurred to me to day that she was checking to see if I was still in his life and hoping I wasn't since I cut her out of mine? The calls were at the times that I would normally be the one to answer and not him.

Finally, Validation from Mom

When at my parents yesterday, my Mom was asking about the after the funeral luncheon for MIL. I happened to ask Mom why she did not go.

But an invitation was issued at graveside for EVERYONE to attend. I kind of expected her to show. I did not say anything to her at the funeral like "are you coming?" I did not want her there because she is always trying to get me to "make nice" with the ILs and I was not up to the pressure of Mom's hounding me to be the bigger person and being around the ILs at the same time. In fact, my Mom was the most stressful thing about MIL's funeral.

But to the topic of this post. My Mom often says "I feel sorry for JB....", "I like JB", "She probably just (fill in blank as excuse for JB's bad behavior)", "JB has had a hard life", "You need to suck it up, I put up with a lot from my ILs for your Dad", etc.

Sunday, Mom asked me about the dinner. When I answered her, I threw in "why didn't you go?" Not that I wanted her to and not that I asked her. I expected her to say that it was because she didn't get a personal invite.

I loved her unexpected answer. Mom said, "I am not comfortable around your hubbie's family." Of course, I took the chance to say "ME NEITHER."

We take every little bit of validation we can get from the normally unsupportive.

But of course, she isn't comfortable around them. If they weren't my in-laws, she'd talk worse about them than I do -- seeing as how Mom has her nose in the air and ILs are white trash. She did not say why she wasn't comfortable, but I already know.

New Problem

This isn't exactly a JB problem. But I found out something disturbing about another member of the family. I can't get into it. But it is disturbing enough that I need to follow up and get more information. Hubbie has known about it for at least a week and maybe for months and never told me. This could cost me another 2K and lots of time to find out what I need to know and why it was kept from me.

The Funeral Panties

Here is a picture of the material from the panties mentioned in the post about JB's Funeral.

How EJ (JB's Hubbie) and JB Died

FIL - EJ died from a hospital pneumonia. He went in complaining of stomach pains. They never found what was causing them. I didn't know if I believed him or not, but he did go through a lot to get attention. They did endoscopy, colonoscopy and other tests. This was after him going in several times, being given Prilosec, and sent home. To my knowledge, they never tested him for food poisoning or food-derived illnesses. Re-read the nasty house post -- think that was a possibility? When they were getting ready to send him home, his lungs started filling with fluid. Hubbie said he didn't have the strength to fight it because he'd had nothing to eat for a week due to the tests. Hospital Pneumonia.

(I described the house nastiness in my other blog)

MIL-JB went into the hospital complaining of vague stomach ailments as well. When she had been there for about 24 hours, she went in to "septic shock". Her blood pressure dropped and she became unconscious. She had just eaten when she went to the hospital. I did some looking. There are some forms of food illness that can (rarely) cause sepsis. There are some hospital bugs that go around that can cause that too.

The hospital is not a good one. My own Grandmother died in the same hospital. GM was old and had incurable cancer, but there is a good chance that a medication error shortened her life. (Which in my GM's case was not necessarily bad considering her age and condition.) Also I had an Aunt that died due to a cancer that was not diagnosed that SHOULD have been diagnosed and would have been curable if it had been. Her Dr. was at the same hospital.

I still wonder if both MIL and FIL initiated their final stays due to undiagnosed food borne illness considering that it's really not checked for that much, they both had gastric complaints, that there was lots of potential for food poisoning in their house. With an already incompetent hospital, would they find something an competent one usually does not find?

Another Ahhhh Moment

Hubbie has been particularly sweet the past week. Going over and above the call to help me with some things without me even asking or thinking that I might want help. He also had offered for us to take a little romantic getaway this weekend. That probably won't happen due to some other outside things, though, but we discussed a rain check.

The Ahhhh part? When a man gets sweet, a girl wonders what he is up to, right? Whenever he was nice, I used to not be able to enjoy it because I wondered when the other shoe was going to drop. What was it that JB wanted him to do for her that he had already agreed to? 75% of the time, I was right. The rest of the time, he was just being sweet.

Now, MIL - JB is dead, I don't have to worry about what he is up to. I really can't think of anything he would be up to that he would need to butter me up. I'm pretty laid back. The things that he wants to do and does -- other than supplying JB with an infinite paycheck -- have never bothered me. (Some even things that would bother other girls). I actually think he should do more for himself.

So, I can enjoy him being nice. Ahhhhhhhh.....

God's Hand in JB's last day and Afterwards

I am Christian. Not a holy-roller type, pretty mainstream. I go to church and Sunday School most weeks. JB was a particular challenge to me. I know that you are supposed to love your enemies, turn the other cheek, try to reconcile, etc. My preacher said that some people are hard to love....

When she was in the hospital on life support and hubbie was there with her, I was left at home, not by his side where I thought I should be.

(1) The Sunday during that time, when prayer request time came around, I hesitated even mentioning her, because I was conflicted. I wanted her to die. I know that is not the Christian way. Finally I told the class her condition that I was conflicted. Her Dr. had said that there was no hope. But was my wanting her to go off life support because I wanted her gone or because it was the best thing? (I didn't say that much...) My Sunday school teacher then led us in a prayer with the various prayer requests. For JB, she turned that situation over to God.. She prayed that the family make the right decision and for me to deal with the "strained relationship". Not 5 minutes later, hubbie called my cell phone. With medical and pastoral advice, they had decided to remove the life support. To this day, my teacher and I both believe that God had a hand in that decision. The timing was too eerie.

(2)
Then later that afternoon, she died. I was scheduled to give blood that day at my church's annual drive. I knew that she would not last long off of life support, but since hubbie did not want me to go join him, I figured that I had might as well go on doing what I would be doing if the situation did not exist rather than sitting at home waiting for him to call. He called my cell while I was at the blood drive to let me know she had passed away. I was in the waiting area between registration and the couches. In fact, my number got called while I was on the phone with him, but I signaled the next person to go on. I doubt they knew what I was talking about on the phone. It turns out that there was a problem with his donation. His bag got busted and his was unusable. Mine turned out fine. Later, I found out that MIL JB had received blood and that she and I had the same blood type. I always thought that I would not want her to have any of my
blood, but she would not have gotten it anyway, we were in different regions. But I think that at least it is good that I was able to replace in some sort of way what she had needlessly consumed.

(3)
Everyone kept saying that they would pray for me. I felt that I did not need prayers, because I was not upset for her death. I even felt like a hypocrit. I did say "thank-you" to most people rather than "that's ok, we didn't like each other anyway."

It turns out that I did need the prayers. One of my preachers mentioned that often the death of one who you don't get along with is sometimes harder. But really, it wasn't. If you read my initial posts on this blog, you will see that my feelings were pretty neutral -- neither happy nor sad.

But I did have some needs. I did not want to sleep at JB's haunted and nasty house when in her town for the funeral.(you can read posts about that as well...) I did not want to sleep at my Mom's house 40 miles away either. My Mom would be barking judgmental orders and asking nosey questions. I just wasn't in the mood for my Mom. I also didn't want to do the extra driving. So, I told hubbie that I was getting a hotel. He objected. He wanted me to stay with him at his Mom's house or with my Mom or sister. I would have been fine staying with him -- at the hotel, but not at JB's nasty house. I wanted somewhere I cold take a shower that did not have visible mold. I wanted a bed to sleep in that was somewhat clean. Hotels don't always have that either, but I felt my chances were better than that. With him grieving, I couldn't say that to him. But I did have the excuse of that there was only a double bed and he hogs the whole bed in a double bed. He offered to sleep on a sofa.

My best friend from work found out that I needed support. Without question, she called her hubbie. She left straight from work and followed me to hubbie's home town. We stayed in a hotel room together. She stood by my side at the wake and spared me my Mom's criticisms and gave me someone to talk to rather than the Clampett's and the Darling's. (No, that's an insult, the Clampett's and the Darling's are rednecks. ILs are White Trash.)

I feel that she was my guardian angel, sent by God as an answer to all the prayers prayed for me. She enabled me to stay in a comfortable room that at least appeared cleaner and to have some support at the wake. When I called hubbie and told him that friend was coming and we were going to stay in the hotel together, he never objected to the hotel.

In my ladies group at church, we are supposed to keep an angel notebook. I had not had any "angel encounters" to list, until then. To me, my friend that night before the funeral was an angel, sent by God. Everyone agreed. I am still awed at what she did that for me.